Carl Got Another Job

Intro] (alarm clock) 6:03 AM. Carl, where you going? CARL: Work. Which job? … CARL: Yes. (beat drops) [Verse 1] Monday Carl delivering food in a suit Tuesday directing traffic in snow boots Wednesday selling insurance door to door Thursday doing taxes at the liquor store Friday morning Carl driving Uber Eats Friday night security across the street Saturday he DJ’ing somebody’s divorce Sunday selling timeshares from the back of a horse Peter said, “Carl, when the fuck do you sleep?” Carl checked his watch: “Sleep don’t offer dental.” (DAMN.) [Chorus] 🎵 CARL GOT ANOTHER JOB! Every time I see this penguin, he clocking the fuck on! “Carl, where you work?” EVERYWHERE! “What you do?” WHATEVER PAY! Monday through Sunday This bird ain’t stopping! If there’s a W-2… CARL PROBABLY GOT IT! 🐧 CARL GOT ANOTHER JOB! [Verse 2] Carl the neighborhood notary public Carl doing DoorDash carrying nuggets Carl got ordained on Tuesday night Married two blenders by Friday at five (YOU MAY NOW KISS THE NINJA.) Carl sells houses but ain’t got a license Teaching yoga during kitchen appliance crises Cutting grass with a coupon app Then hosting BEEP TALK when Smoke Detector naps Mailbox called from county jail: “CARL, I NEED BAIL!” Carl said: “I’m working.” Mailbox: “DOING WHAT?!” Carl: “Bail bonds.” … MAILBOX: Oh, perfect. [Chorus] 🎵 CARL GOT ANOTHER JOB! Every damn week this penguin got a different card! REALTOR! NOTARY! DJ! SECURITY! UBER! BARBER! PET PSYCHIC! Peter: PET PSYCHIC?! Carl: “Your hamster has boundaries.” Peter: I DON’T HAVE A HAMSTER! Carl: “Exactly.” [Bridge: Carl’s Résumé] (beat strips down) Peter finds Carl’s résumé. “Carl… Why is this shit 74 pages?” Carl: “Experience.” “Why does it say Assistant Regional Manager of Refrigerator Affairs?” Carl: “Long story.” “Why does it say Director of Mailbox Crisis Communications?” Carl: “Mike.” From county jail: FREE ME! Peter keeps reading. “Certified forklift operator?” Yep. “Wedding planner?” Yep. “Substitute teacher?” Yep. “Licensed dolphin negotiator?” Carl pauses. … “Certification pending.” Peter: CARL, YOU’RE A FUCKING PENGUIN! Carl: “Don’t limit me.” [Verse 3] Then Denise walked in with the classified files Carl doing surveillance for a couple of miles Barbara spinning, Terry violating parole Kevin walked through carrying… You already know. Peter said: “Carl, since you work fucking everywhere… WHAT DOES KEVIN DO?” (beat stops) Carl slowly straightens his tie. Walks to the podium. Adjusts the microphone. CARL: “I appreciate the question.” (OH NO.) “At this time, due to my responsibilities as Acting Deputy Assistant Interim Director of Refrigerator Communications…” Peter: THAT AIN’T A REAL FUCKING JOB! Carl: “…I cannot comment on an ongoing matter.” “CARL!” “Next question.” [Final Chorus] 🎵 CARL GOT ANOTHER JOB! Morning, noon and night This motherfucker CLOCKED ON! “What you doing tomorrow?” ACCOUNTING! “Tomorrow night?” BOUNCING! “Wednesday?” PLUMBING! “Thursday?” ANNOUNCING! “Friday?” Carl: “Taking the day off.” (everybody gasps) Peter: “FOR REAL?!” Carl: “No. I got orientation.” GODDAMMIT, CARL! 🎵 CARL GOT ANOTHER JOOOOOB! 🎵 (phone rings) Carl: “Carl speaking.” … “Yes, I have experience.” … “When can I start?” … “I’m outside.” (beat cuts) Peter: THIS PENGUIN NEEDS A UNION. Carl, from down the hallway: “I’M THE UNION REP!” 🤣🐧💼 Still SHINE