[Intro] [Instrumental — jaunty Chap Hop beat, harpsichord stabs, upright bass, whistling] [Verse 1] 'Twas a Tuesday eve at the Gentlemen's Club When Reginald Fforbes-Whittington made a terrible snub He remarked, rather loudly, over kedgeree and port That my bicep, and I quote, was "distressingly short" I set down my monocle, I straightened my cravat I said "Reginald, old boy, I shan't stand for that" He rose from his armchair with a cold, steely glare And said "name your seconds and I'll see you there" [Pre-Chorus] At dawn! At dawn! In Kensington Gardens we shall settle this affair! At dawn! At dawn! With a flex of such magnificence the pigeons stop to stare! [Chorus] This is a flexing duel, conducted with honour Two gentlemen of standing, showing what they've got We do not shout or brawl like common ruffians We simply roll our sleeves up on the dot En garde! Present arms! The most civilised of conflicts ever fought A flexing duel, a flexing duel Conducted as all duels ought! [Verse 2] That night I trained with vigour in my dressing room alone Three repetitions with a dumbbell I had borrowed from my groome I wore my finest gloves throughout, one must maintain one's form And fortified myself with brandy to weather any storm My second, dear old Bartholomew, oiled my moustache well And said "you've got him, Percival, I simply cannot tell How Reginald expects to match the guns you're carrying there" I flexed once in the mirror and I combed my silver hair [Pre-Chorus] At dawn! At dawn! In Kensington Gardens we shall settle this affair! At dawn! At dawn! With a flex of such magnificence the pigeons stop to stare! [Chorus] This is a flexing duel, conducted with honour Two gentlemen of standing, showing what they've got We do not shout or brawl like common ruffians We simply roll our sleeves up on the dot En garde! Present arms! The most civilised of conflicts ever fought A flexing duel, a flexing duel Conducted as all duels ought! [Bridge] [Beat drops to just upright bass and snare — ceremonial and absurd] The morning mist lay thick upon the grass Both parties stood in top hats, kid gloves and spats The referee, old Brigadier McGee Unrolled the official flexing duel decree He read aloud the rules in sixteen pages A tradition handed down through many ages Both parties nodded gravely, cleared their throats And slowly, with great dignity, removed their overcoats [Verse 3] Reginald rolled his sleeve with frightful ceremony Revealed an arm of modest but respectable tone The crowd of fourteen witnesses drew breath as one And then it was my moment — I had waited long enough I flexed with such refinement, such magnificent control The Brigadier dropped his eyeglass, Bartholomew lost his soul A sparrow fainted gently on a nearby garden bench And Reginald conceded with a dignified French bow [Final Chorus] This is a flexing duel, conducted with honour Two gentlemen of standing, one of them supreme We do not shout or brawl like common ruffians We simply flex with everything we mean En garde! I won! The most civilised of victories ever sought! A flexing duel, a flexing duel Conducted as all duels ought! [Outro] [Jaunty beat returns, whistling fades] Reginald shook my hand most graciously We shared a pot of Darjeeling at half past three He said "your bicep, Percival, is really quite sublime" I said "think nothing of it, old boy — until next time" [Single harpsichord note] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Chap Hop comedy about the most dignified conflict in Victorian history — a formal flexing duel between two gentlemen of standing, conducted with the same solemn protocol as a pistol duel at dawn. Complete with seconds, an official sixteen-page decree read aloud by Brigadier McGee, kid gloves, top hats, spats, and a pot of Darjeeling afterwards. The actual flexing is, naturally, conducted with supreme refinement and minimum actual muscle. A sparrow faints. Honour is satisfied. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Bingo Board — 2026 [A1] GoGo × Shame [B1] Klezmer × Thirst [C1] Mongolian Throat Singing × Entropy [D1] Instrumental Only × Aerobics [E1] Native American Flute × Democracy [F1] Hopera × Mushroom / Fungi [A2] Rap × Nature [B2] Delta Blues × Dark Ages [C2] Grand Country × Uplifting [D2] Motown × Awakening [E2] Surf Rock × Surrealism [F2] Accordion × Train Hopping [A3] Chap Hop × Muscle Flex [B3] Witch House × Shed Your Burden [C3] Ska × Conflict [D3] Cyberpunk × Transmittable [E3] Groove Metal × Gnomes [F3] Wonky × Ice Cream [A4] Yacht Rock × Love [B4] Screamo × Bubblegum [C4] Fado Phonk × Africa Language [D4] Electronic Dance × 42 [E4] R&B Funk × Banana Split [F4] Skweee × Dating [A5] Lo-fi Indie Pop × Cheating Death [B5] Krautgaze Drone Rock × Heartbreak [C5] Balkan Folk × Transformation [D5] NeoFolk × Hardship [E5] Classical Music × Bird [F5] Alternative Rock × Courage [A6] Harpsichord Symphonic Metal × Faith [B6] Vocal Only / Acapella × Hope [C6] Ballad × Seduction [D6] Psychedelic Newgrass × Philosophy [E6] Yodeling × High Fantasy [F6] Punkrock × Awkward Fathers ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ © 2026 Ande Records Lyrics by Ande All rights reserved. https://ande-records.se/
