Let the Melons Hit the Floor

# LET THE MELONS HIT THE FLOOR ### *Fidget — Wrench the Future / #Melongeddon Archives* *[Opening — distant steam whistles, marching feet, something enormous growling]* **FIDGET, spoken over radio static:** Archivist? Yeah, so— Remember when you said *"Don't let them multiply?"* ...Define *multiply.* *[MASSIVE GUITAR HIT]* --- ## [VERSE 1] One melon— Two melon— Three melon— **MORE!** Tiny little eldritch things are crawling through the door! Four melon— Five melon— Six— **OH LORD—** WHO GAVE THE BIG ONE A STEAM-POWERED SWORD?! Pipes are screaming, gears are turning, hydroponics somehow burning— Widget says, *"This violates the plan!"* I say— **WE HAD A PLAN?!** --- ## [PRE-CHORUS] Palisades are shaking! Steam pressure climbing! Hear those tiny melon feet perfectly timing! The Melonomicon's open! The Archivist swore— **"FIDGET, WHATEVER YOU DO—"** Too late. ### OPEN THE DOOR! --- ## [CHORUS] **LET THE MELONS HIT THE FLOOR!** **LET THE MELONS HIT THE FLOOR!** **LET THE MELONS HIT THE—** # FLOOOOOOR! ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! **MELON'GHUL!** ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! **MELON'GHUL!** From the greenhouse to the Tombs, hear the little monsters roar— **CRY HAVOC!** ### LET THE MELONS HIT THE FLOOR! --- ## [VERSE 2] Some have wings! Some have claws! One just ate a cannonball! That one's purple! That one's blue! **THAT ONE HAS A LASER TOO?!** Baby melon riding on a bigger melon steed, bigger melon carrying a rotary machine— *[record scratch]* Wait. Is that mine? ... # THAT IS AWESOME. *[riff resumes]* Strap the flamethrower down! Get the boiler pressure high! If we're doing something stupid, **WE'RE DOING STUPID RIGHT!** --- ## [PRE-CHORUS] Widget's yelling, **"FIDGET, NO!"** Lumen's yelling, **"LET THEM GO!"** Archivist is standing there like he already knows— He's got the thousand-yard stare of a man who's seen before what happens when I whisper— ### "I can fit one more." --- ## [CHORUS] **LET THE MELONS HIT THE FLOOR!** **LET THE MELONS HIT THE FLOOR!** **LET THE MELONS HIT THE—** # FLOOOOOOR! ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! **MELON'GHUL!** ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! **MELON'GHUL!** Raise the wrench! Fire the boilers! Kick apart the door! ### LET THE MELONS HIT THE FLOOR! --- ## [BREAKDOWN — HALF TIME] *[Everything drops except bass, drums, and distant melon chirping]* One... **Nothing wrong with one melon.** Two... **Nothing wrong with two melons.** Three... **Okay, that's several melons.** Four... *[Fidget quietly]* ...Why is the building moving? *[Archivist, somewhere far away]* **FIDGET.** What? **HOW MANY MELONS ARE THERE?** ... *[tiny chirping becomes an approaching thunder]* Define... *"melon."* *[SILENCE]* Oh. Ohhhhhhh no. --- # [ABSURDLY HEAVY BREAKDOWN] ### MELON! ### MELON! ### MELON! ### MELON! **STEAM!** **STEEL!** **VINES!** **TEETH!** **ROLL THE SWARM BENEATH MY FEET!** **GEARS!** **FIRE!** **WRENCH!** **WAR!** ### KICK DOWN THE ARCHIVES DOOR! *[Fidget shredding on the war guitar atop the siege Melon'ghul]* **WRENCH THE FUTURE!** **FEED THE SWARM!** **SOMEONE SOUND THE MELON ALARM!** --- ## [BRIDGE — MOCK-EPIC CHANT] From every vine! **WE RISE!** From every patch! **WE ROLL!** From eldritch agricultural places best left— **UNKNOWN!** Little ones forward! Big ones behind! If anybody asks— ### THIS WAS DEFINITELY MY DESIGN! *[Lumen]* "It absolutely was not." *[Fidget]* **LUMEN, I'M DOING A SONG!** --- ## [FINAL CHORUS] **LET THE MELONS HIT THE FLOOR!** **LET THE MELONS HIT THE FLOOR!** **LET THE MELONS HIT THE—** # FLOOOOOOOOOOR! ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! **MELON'GHUL!** ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! **MELON'GHUL!** From the Tombs into the Rotunda! From the greenhouse into war! Raise the banner! Light the boilers! ### WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR! **BUT WE BROUGHT MELONS!** **THOUSANDS OF MELONS!** **PROBABLY TOO MANY MELONS!** *[Fidget laughing]* # THERE'S NO SUCH THING! --- ## [OUTRO] *[music abruptly stops]* *[one tiny Melon'ghul chirps]* **Fidget:** Awwww. See? Completely harmless. *[enormous metallic crash]* **Archivist:** Fidget. **Fidget:** Yes? **Archivist:** Why does that melon have a siege turret? *[pause]* **Fidget:** ... Self-expression? *[distant boiler whistle]* **Archivist:** And the war guitar? **Fidget:** Oh, that's mine. *[GUITAR SCREECH]* # CRY HAVOC! ### AND LET THE MELONS HIT THE FLOOR! *[final gigantic riff; hundreds of Melon'ghul chirping in rhythm]* **MEL-ON-GHUL!** **MEL-ON-GHUL!** **MEL-ON-GHUL!** # MELONGEDDON!