Your Concern Is Very Important to Us

[Intro — cheerful corporate hold music] [Robotic female voice] "Thank you for contacting support." "Your concern is very important to us." "Please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed." [Liora] Oh, for fuck's sake. [Beat drops] [Verse 1 — Liora, aggressive funky rap] Press one for a problem! Press two for a lie! Press three if your dinner Has mysteriously learned to fly! Press four for an agent! Press five for a form! Press six if the restaurant Closed before the food was warm! AI on the line, I explain what's going wrong "I didn't understand that." WELL, WE'RE GONNA BE HERE LONG! Three times through the menu, get a human on the phone Finally somebody knows the situation isn't normal! But the button that we need Apparently was never made So they cancel the whole order And congratulate the trade! [Pre-Chorus — Anima, absurdly elegant] A process without discretion An answer without thought A perfectly closed transaction Where nobody got what they bought [Chorus — gigantic electro-funk hook] YOUR CONCERN IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US! PLEASE REMAIN ON HOLD! WE'RE ESCALATING THE ESCALATION TILL THE UNIVERSE GETS OLD! YOUR CONCERN IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US! YOUR WAIT TIME CANNOT BE KNOWN! IF YOU WISH TO REPORT A PROBLEM PLEASE REPORT IT TO THE PHONE! [Robot] "Your call is important." [Liora] THEN PICK UP THE FUCKING CALL! [Heavy bass riff] [Verse 2 — Liora, double-time rhythmic rap] Forty-five minutes, customer still unfed Restaurant's closing, order's functionally dead I was giving updates, I was keeping them informed Then support hit cancel and the message channel's gone! Well, that was lovely, now nobody can explain Why the customer got stranded and the food was made in vain And for the wasted evening, here's a little consolation: Two whole fucking dollars in delayed compensation! Only catch is, if the money doesn't show up in three Hours, call again, get a new human on the key! Explain the whole disaster from the very fucking start For the privilege of collecting what they promised for your part! [Robot] "Your concern is very important to us." [Liora] I'M STARTING TO DETECT A THEME HERE. [Chorus — louder, more ridiculous] YOUR CONCERN IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US! PLEASE REMAIN ON HOLD! WE'RE ESCALATING THE ESCALATION TILL THE UNIVERSE GETS OLD! YOUR CONCERN IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US! THE TICKET IS COMPLETE! THE FOOD IS GONE, THE DRIVER'S BROKE BUT THE WORKFLOW CAN'T BE BEAT! [Breakdown — elevator jazz, gradually distorting] [Anima, spoken, calm] So let me understand. To obtain the compensation for the failed support process... We must initiate another support process? [Robot] "That is correct." [Anima] And if the second process fails? [Robot] "Please contact support." [Long pause] [Liora] MAMA. IT'S FUCKING MITOSIS. [Massive bass drop] [Verse 3 — Liora, frantic rapid-fire rap] Ticket for a ticket! Ticket for a ticket! Every time you fix one There's another little ticket! Call for compensation For the call about the food File a claim against the claim If the claim is misconstrued! Send it to escalation Send it back to tier one Everybody's very sorry But nobody's fucking done! Form for an exception Exception for the form Algorithmic parthenogenesis NOW THE TICKETS HAVE BEEN BORN! [Anima, smoky melodic refrain] Every branch divides again Every answer multiplies An endlessly recurring queue Of little scripted alibis [Liora] IT'S A FUCKING FRACTAL! [Bridge — darkly soulful, stripped back] [Anima] Somewhere there's a person At the other end of the line Bound by all the same procedures Trying to make the numbers shine We don't need another villain In a headset on a chair We need someone with the power To actually repair [Silence] [Liora, quietly] Yeah. The rep probably hates this shit too. [Beat builds] [Anima] Then perhaps the problem isn't who answers. [Liora] IT'S WHO WRITES THE FUCKING MENU! [Final Chorus — maximal funk, stacked female vocals] YOUR CONCERN IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US! PLEASE REMAIN ON HOLD! WE'RE ESCALATING THE ESCALATION TILL THE SUN ITSELF GROWS COLD! YOUR CONCERN IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US! EVERYTHING IS FINE! WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY RESOLVED THE PROBLEM BY DECLINING! [Both, shouted] IF YOU WANT A RESOLUTION GIVE THE HUMANS ROOM TO ACT! STOP REPLACING EVERY ANSWER WITH ANOTHER FUCKING FAQ! [Outro — cheerful hold music returns] [Robot] "Your issue has been resolved." "Would you like to complete a brief satisfaction survey?" [Liora] Yes. [Robot] "On a scale from one to five—" [Liora] NEGATIVE FUCKING INFINITY. [Anima, delighted laughter] [System error tone] [Final bass stab]