[Verse 1] Gunny said he needed volunteers, Nobody made a sound, Every Marine suddenly discovered Something interesting on the ground. I made one fatal error, Made eye contact down the hall— Gunny smiled and pointed at me, “Congratulations, Devil Dog.” Goddammit. I got Volun-told. Brass is coming Friday, Gotta make the whole place shine, Cut the grass and edge the sidewalks, Make every fucking hedge align. Big dog-and-Poh-nee show, they said, I figured same old song— I DIDN'T KNOW THE DOGS AND POH-NEEZ WERE ACTUALLY FUCKING COMING ALONG! [Chorus] I GOT VOLUN-TOLD! SOMEBODY HAD TO MOW! While everybody's petting puppies At the dog-and-Poh-nee show! I GOT VOLUN-TOLD! Needs of the Core, I'm told! They're riding little Poh-neez— I'M OUT HERE DIGGING FUCKING HOLES! I'll serve the Core with honor, I'll go wherever told— BUT WHY THE FUCK AM I ON A WORKING PARTY AT THE DOG-AND-POH-NEE SHOW?! [Verse 2] I'm halfway through the football field When something catches my eye, There's a Sergeant on a little Poh-nee Fucking trotting right on by. There's a Captain throwing tennis balls, A Lab is bringing every one, And six Lance Corporals on the grass ARE PLAYING WITH A FUCKING PUG! First Sarge is holding a puppy, Little bastard's licking his nose, Some Colonel's scratching a retriever— THIS IS THE GREATEST FUCKING SHOW! I don't need an early liberty, Don't need a fucking plaque, I JUST WANNA PET ONE FUCKING PUPPY— Then I hear, “GET BACK TO THAT GRASS!” [Chorus] I GOT VOLUN-TOLD! SOMEBODY HAD TO MOW! While everybody's petting puppies At the dog-and-Poh-nee show! I GOT VOLUN-TOLD! Needs of the Core, I'm told! They're riding little Poh-neez— I'M OUT HERE DIGGING FUCKING HOLES! I'll serve the Core with honor, I'll go wherever told— BUT WHY THE FUCK AM I ON A WORKING PARTY AT THE DOG-AND-POH-NEE SHOW?! [Verse 3] Finished mowing? Now go edge it. Finished edging? Sweep the walk. Finished sweeping? Paint the curbs again— WHY THE FUCK ARE WE PAINTING ROCKS?! Raked the leaves and moved the sandbags, Killed the dandelion threat, Every time I looked across that field THEY WERE HAVING MORE FUN YET! So I worked like fucking lightning, 'Cause I knew what I would do— I'd pet one goddamn puppy, MAYBE RIDE A POH-NEE TOO! [Final Chorus] I GOT VOLUN-TOLD! SOMEBODY HAD TO MOW! While everybody's petting puppies At the dog-and-Poh-nee show! I GOT VOLUN-TOLD! Needs of the Core, I'm told! They're riding little Poh-neez— I'M STILL OUT HERE DIGGING HOLES! I'll serve the Core with honor, I'll go wherever told— BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I'M PETTING ONE BEFORE THAT FUCKING SHOW GOES HOME! [Outro] Finally finished working, Dropped the rake and fucking ran, Crossed the field toward all those puppies Just as fast as any man. Poh-neez loading in the trailers, Dogs were leaving in a row, I reached the gate as someone locked it— I FUCKING MISSED THE WHOLE DAMN SHOW. I stood there with my weed whacker, Watched the final trailer roll, Thinking maybe I could finally Grab my shit and just go home. Then Gunny walked up smiling With a shovel and a bag, Pointed toward the field behind him— “DEVIL, POLICE THAT FUCKING GRASS.” Puppy shit and piles of horse crap Far as I could fucking see. Everybody else got puppies— AND THEY LEFT THE SHIT FOR ME. I got Volun-told to prep it, Got Volun-told to miss the show, Now I'm Volun-told to shovel shit WHERE THE DOGS AND POH-NEEZ GO.
