[Verse 1] They said enlightenment was peaceful Like floating on a cloud I'd speak in gentle whispers Never swear or laugh too loud I'd bless every jackass Who came knocking at my door Well, I found enlightenment this morning And I'm still pissed off at four My aura ain't exactly sparkling My chakras need a wash I haven't hugged my shadow Or surrendered diddly-squat But something sure got simpler When I quit trying to be Some spiritually impressive Better friggin' version of me [Chorus] I'm enlightened — where's the fuckin' coffee? Don't hand me herbal tea I found God inside myself And the bastard looks like me No halo, no perfection No eternal state of Zen I'm enlightened — where's the fuckin' coffee? And don't make me ask again [Verse 2] I used to think a Master Would be gracious, kind and wise Never fart during meditation Never roll their goddamn eyes Always radiating presence While the angels softly sing Turns out Masters lose their car keys And can't remember a friggin' thing I tried transcending anger I tried rising up above I tried meeting every asshole With unconditional love Then one day my soul said, "Buddy, Why the hell you doing that?" So I stopped pretending kindness And went outside and kicked the cat [Spoken, alarmed] Metaphorically. [Pause] I like the cat. [Chorus] I'm enlightened — where's the fuckin' coffee? Make it strong and make it black I've transcended my illusions But my damn headache's coming back No halo, no perfection No eternal state of Zen I'm enlightened — where's the fuckin' coffee? And don't make me ask again [Verse 3] Now people want my wisdom Like I've cracked some cosmic code But I ain't here to fix the world Like some others on this road Don't hand me all your problems They ain't mine to solve I'm just here for the experience I'll take the crappy with the gold [Verse 3 continued] 'Cause sometimes all that wisdom Is just bullshit dressed in white With ten more steps to fix your life Saying everything's all right Well, everything ain't always And that's perfectly okay You don't need to bless the shitstorm You can call it shit today [Bridge — filthy slow blues] Maybe being conscious Ain't becoming friggin' nice Maybe wisdom doesn't mean You never make the same mistake twice Maybe freedom isn't floating Somewhere six feet off the ground Maybe it's being all the way here When the whole damn thing goes down [Band drops out] No fixing. No improving. No pretending I'm above it. [Beat] [spoken] Well, shit... That's actually rather nice. [Spoken, sardonic, correcting himself] No it goddamn isn't. [Band slams back in] [Verse 4] So keep your sacred pedestal Your robes and scented smoke I'll take ordinary mornings Dirty boots and filthy jokes I'll take laughing when it's funny Crying when it bloody hurts I'll take heaven in my coffee And enlightenment in dirt 'Cause I didn't come this far To become somebody new I came all this damn distance To discover I was through With measuring my worthiness Against some holy fantasy Turns out enlightenment ain't perfect... It's just finally being me. [Final Chorus — huge, rowdy] I'M ENLIGHTENED — WHERE'S THE FUCKIN' COFFEE? Make it strong and make it two I've become one with existence And I've got shit I need to do No halo, no perfection I can screw things up and then Still be enlightened, drink my coffee And screw things up again I'm enlightened — where's the fuckin' coffee? Yeah, existence set me free I found God inside myself... [Band drops out] [Spoken, dry] Still can't friggin' believe the bastard looks like me. [Outro — harmonica, laughter, coffee cup clink] [Spoken] Right. Who's making breakfast?
