Dick Transplant

[Intro] (slow flamenco guitar, a single palma clap, distorted guitar creeping in) [Spoken, deadpan doctor voice] Sit down, sir. This will not be easy. [Verse 1] I walked into the clinic with a problem with my dick Something down there burning, something rotten, something sick One week in a hospital bed, the nurses wouldn't stare Then the doctor came in slowly, pulled up a chair [Spoken, doctor] Sir, you have flesh-eating bacteria. [Pre-Chorus] He said, "I'm sorry, my friend, we have to cut your dick off" I said, "Is there another way, doc?" He said, "No, we cut your dick off" [Chorus] Oh, doctor, doctor, what the fuck have you done? It's a dick transplant, doctor, and I'm the only one Cut off my only dick, now I've got none Walking through the desert with nothing but my pride [Spoken, the man, flat] Two weeks. Two weeks I walked around dickless like a Ken doll. [Spoken, nurse, deadpan, clearly audible, full volume] Honestly, he took it better than the last guy. [Verse 2] Then the doctor called me back with a smile too wide Said, "We found a way, a transplant, step inside" I said, "Whose dick is it, doc?" He looked down at the file Said, "A gentleman of seventy, a real old-fashioned style" [Spoken, doctor] He's retired. He gardens. [Pre-Chorus] Cursing every word, I signed that fucking line Sewed that old man's dick on me, said, "You'll be fine" [Chorus] Oh, doctor, doctor, what the fuck have you done? It's a dick transplant, doctor, and I'm the only one It's a seventy-year-old dick, it just wants to nap in the sun It asks about my cholesterol and goes to bed by eight [Spoken, the man, shouting] Doc! My dick is doing crossword puzzles! [Instrumental, flamenco guitar solo, palmas] [Bridge] I called him every morning, "Doctor, make it right!" He said, "Be patient, sir, give it time tonight" Then one evening the phone rang, my heart began to race The doctor said it slowly, with a smile upon his face [Spoken, doctor, calm] I have good news and bad news. [Spoken, the man] Give me the good news. [Spoken, doctor] We found a young dick for you. Strong. Healthy. Ready. [Spoken, the man] And the bad news? [Spoken, doctor, very slowly] We're not replacing the old dick. We're sewing the new one on next to it. [Spoken, the man, quietly] What. [Spoken, doctor] You'll have two dicks, my friend. And the new one belonged to a dark-skinned gentleman. So you'll be black and white. [Beat switch, band returns, same intensity as the first chorus] [Chorus] Oh, doctor, doctor, what the fuck have you done? It's a dick transplant, doctor, and I'm the only one One dick is pale as winter, one is brown like the sun A grandpa and a young one, a piano in my pants [Verse 3] Now the old dick gives me advice and complains about the cold The young dick's got ambition and does whatever he's told They argue about the radio, they never share the bed I can't pass an airport scanner without a doctor's note, they said [Spoken, the man, resigned] The old dick wants to watch the news. The young dick wants to go out. I'm the referee of my own pants. [Spoken, old dick, grumpy grandpa voice] Back in my day, we didn't make a fuss. [Spoken, young dick, excited voice] Come on, let's go! Let's go! [Final Chorus, voice only, no instruments] Oh, doctor, doctor, what the fuck have you done? It's a dick transplant, doctor, and I'm the only one I had one dick and now I've got two And I'm still not having fun [Outro, short, guitar tremolo fading, one last palma] [Spoken, doctor, deadpan] Your invoice is in the mail. [Spoken, the man, quietly] Two invoices? [Spoken, doctor] Two invoices.