The Porcelain Doll They put me on the shelf And told me to be pretty Told me not to move Told me not to break Pick me up when I’m good Put me down when I’m bad Hold me when I’m useful Throw me when you’re mad I learned how to smile I learned how to disappear I learned how to carry Everybody else’s fear Porcelain doll Porcelain doll Don’t make a sound Don’t make a scene Don’t let them see What’s underneath I was the bridge I was the glue I held the weight That belonged to you I learned your weather I learned your ways I learned to swallow Everything I couldn’t say Because love was conditional And closeness could change So I buried the parts of me That made you uncomfortable And became the mirror I became the mirror You looked at me And saw what you wanted to see You looked at me And never looked at you I gave you the mother You needed to believe you were I gave you the story I gave you the proof I carried what you couldn’t I felt what you wouldn’t I held together What was never whole And you called me good When I disappeared Porcelain doll Porcelain doll Beautiful when silent Beautiful when still Don’t cry Don’t scream Don’t need Don’t feel Don’t make me see What I don’t want to see But something underneath the glass Was learning how to breathe And one day I stepped away And the mirror broke CRACK The doll fell off the shelf And shattered on the floor And everybody asked What happened to her? What happened to the girl Who used to make everything okay? She got angry She got loud She got real Because anger was the first thing That ever told me I was still alive This isn’t destruction This is existence This is the sound Of something buried Breaking through I am not your mirror I am not your bridge I am not your little doll I am not your fucking fix I am a woman I have depth I have devotion I have a fire You could never see Because you only loved The reflection You never knew The girl behind the glass And when the porcelain doll Is thrown aside For the very last time There is a terrible truth Waiting on the other side I never had a mother Not the way a child Needs a mother The body was there But the function was gone And that is grief That is grief Not resentment Not revenge Grief For the mother I needed For the child I was For every part of me I had to bury Just to stay loved Porcelain doll No more You can’t put me back On that shelf You can’t glue me together And call me whole I have been broken And broken And broken And look at me now I am still here I am still here I am still here I am not grateful For what destroyed me I am grateful For what survived Because something survived Something real Something they couldn’t control Something they couldn’t break Me The porcelain doll Was never meant To stay behind glass She was never meant To be perfect She was never meant To be yours She was meant to live So let her break Let her bleed Let her rage Let her become Because there is no going back Once the mirror is gone And there is no saving The illusion When the woman Finally sees herself I am not a porcelain doll I am a woman And I am real.
