[INTRO — GARY, SPOKEN] LET'S HEAR IT FOR STARFACE! YOU READY FOR THIS SHOW?! YOU READY FOR THE BEST STREAM?! YOU READY FOR MY DELICIOUS FOOD?! I'M KAY-TER-ING TONIGHT! WELCOME TO MY BOO-FAY! I MADE THE CANDY MYSELF! [BEAT DROPS] [VERSE 1] October night, Starface is live Brought my refreshments, came prepared tonight Homemade treats on a beautiful display Little bowls of candy for the people who came Everything arranged, looking nice and neat Orange, yellow, white things, all of them sweet I stand beside the table with a proud little grin "Help yourselves, everybody! Go on, dig in!" [STEVE — INTERNAL DIALOGUE] Free food? That's a win! Maybe Gary's learned to fit in! Grab a piece, don't ask questions, Maybe we'll survive without incident! (ARCHIVE) [MELISSA — INTERNAL DIALOGUE] Why's that candy got a bicuspid? Why's that one got a root? WHY DOES THIS ORANGE LITTLE FUCKER HAVE A GOLD TOOTH?! [PRE-CHORUS] Somebody bites, then stops mid-chew Turns to Gary like, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING YOU GAVE ME?!" Gary smiles. "It's candy corn!" [CHORUS — FULL BAND] CANDY CORN TEETH! CANDY CORN TEETH! WHY'S YOUR FUCKING MOLAR IN A BOWL IN FRONT OF ME?! CANDY CORN TEETH! CANDY CORN TEETH! GARY SAYS THEY'RE HOMEMADE AND HE'S PASSING OUT THREE! "IT'S JUST CANDY CORN!" "THAT'S A PREMOLAR!" "IT'S JUST CANDY CORN!" "THAT ONE'S GOT A MOLAR!" CANDY CORN TEETH! CANDY CORN TEETH! GARY BROUGHT THE DENTIST TO A FUCKING HALLOWEEN FEAST! [VERSE 2] Gary explains his candy-making technique "The little ones are chewy, and the big ones are unique!" He holds one by the root, says, "Try this one instead! The filling makes it sweeter!" Everybody turns red. [TREVOR — INTERNAL DIALOGUE] NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I ATE LIKE FOUR OF THESE! WHY DID I JUST NOTICE ONE HAS FUCKING CAVITIES?! [AMANDA — INTERNAL DIALOGUE] I thought it was a sweet! I thought it was a treat! WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A CAVITY IN THE CANDY THAT I EAT?! Somebody drops a plate. Gary picks it off the floor. "Five-second rule." "THAT WAS THERE BEFORE!" "Well, then it's extra seasoned. You don't get that at the store." [PRE-CHORUS 2] "Gary, please, we're begging you! Just tell us what these really are!" He looks confused. "Well, candy corn. I didn't think you'd get this far." [CHORUS] CANDY CORN TEETH! CANDY CORN TEETH! WHY'S YOUR FUCKING MOLAR IN A BOWL IN FRONT OF ME?! CANDY CORN TEETH! CANDY CORN TEETH! GARY SAYS THEY'RE HOMEMADE AND HE'S PASSING OUT THREE! "IT'S JUST CANDY CORN!" "THAT'S A PREMOLAR!" "IT'S JUST CANDY CORN!" "THAT ONE'S GOT A MOLAR!" CANDY CORN TEETH! CANDY CORN TEETH! GARY BROUGHT THE DENTIST TO A FUCKING HALLOWEEN FEAST! [VERSE 3] Now the chat is flying, Starface is in shock "DENTAL EMERGENCY!" is all the chat can talk Gary reads the comments, starts to laugh aloud: "Don't worry about the small ones. Those are from the back." THE CROWD: "THE BACK OF WHAT?!" Gary pauses. "...The mouth?" [STEVE — INTERNAL DIALOGUE] I DON'T WANNA KNOW! I DON'T WANNA SEE! I DON'T WANNA FIND OUT WHAT HE MEANS BY BACK TEETH! [MELISSA — INTERNAL DIALOGUE] WAIT A MINUTE! IF THOSE ARE REAL... WHOSE MOUTH DID HE TAKE THEM FROM?! Gary reaches underneath the table Pulls a cooler from below Lifts the lid and turns around: "THESE ARE FOR THE SECOND SHOW!" The whole room screams. The chat goes red. Gary holds a little canine up beside his head. "These ones are seasonal! You can't get them all year!" Somebody yells: "STARFACE, GET US OUT OF HERE!" [BRIDGE — HALF-TIME] [RANDOM GUY — SPOKEN] I came here for music. I came here to watch a stream. Now I'm holding a fucking wisdom tooth And Gary's asking if I want whipped cream. [LITTLE COUSIN — SPOKEN] Honestly? Still tastes pretty good. [CRUNCH] "OH, DEAR GOD!" Gary looks over. "That one's hard to chew." [CRUNCH] "WHY DID I EAT ANOTHER ONE?!" "You're getting the hang of it, dude!" [BREAKDOWN — GANG VOCALS] CANDY! CORN! TEETH! WHO PUT THESE IN FRONT OF ME?! CANDY! CORN! TEETH! GARY SAYS THEY'RE GUARANTEED TO PLEASE! CHEW IT! CHEW IT! DON'T WASTE IT! GARY MADE IT! CANDY! CORN! TEETH! THAT'S MY FUCKING DENTISTRY! [FINAL CHORUS] CANDY CORN TEETH! CANDY CORN TEETH! WHY'S YOUR FUCKING MOLAR IN A BOWL IN FRONT OF ME?! CANDY CORN TEETH! CANDY CORN TEETH! GARY SAYS THEY'RE HOMEMADE AND HE'S PASSING OUT THREE! "IT'S JUST CANDY CORN!" "THAT'S A PREMOLAR!" "IT'S JUST CANDY CORN!" "THAT ONE'S GOT A MOLAR!" CANDY CORN TEETH! CANDY CORN TEETH! GARY BROUGHT THE DENTIST TO A FUCKING HALLOWEEN FEAST! [OUTRO — GARY, SPOKEN] ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! THE FOOD WAS GOOD. YOU ATE IT. YOU LIKED IT. NOBODY ASKED FOR A REFUND! THAT'S A SUCCESSFUL KAY-TER-ING JOB! THANK YOU, STARFACE! THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY BOO-FAY! IF YOU'RE STILL HUNGRY... I'VE GOT A COOLER IN THE CAR. ...DON'T OPEN THE COOLER. ANYWAY! GET YOUR DRINK! GET YOUR SNACKS! GET YOUR FUCKING TEETH BACK! I'M DONE WITH THE KAY-TER-ING... STARFACE! LET THAT DAMN WHEEL SPIN! [FINAL GUITAR HIT] [WHEEL SPIN SFX]
