Dang ol’ Willy Wonka, man, talkin’ ’bout this little broke-ass kid named Charlie livin’ in a house with seventeen grandparents stacked up in one bed, man, eatin’ cabbage soup for breakfast, lunch and dinner, got Grandpa Joe layin’ there for twenty goddamn years, man, can't walk, can't work, can't even get up to wipe his own ass, but soon as that boy finds a golden ticket, WHOOP, old bastard jumps outta bed like he just got drafted into the NBA, man, talkin’ ’bout let's go get some chocolate, Charlie, dang ol’ medical miracle, tell ya hwhat. So they go down to this big-ass candy factory, man, got this purple-suited psychopath named Willy Wonka standin’ outside with a cane, limpin’ around like he done got hit by a forklift, then suddenly does a damn somersault, man, everybody clappin’, nobody askin’ why this grown-ass man just committed insurance fraud in front of forty people. They walk inside, man, whole damn place made outta candy, got a chocolate river, edible grass, giant mushrooms, some ol’ boy drinkin’ outta a flower, man, talkin’ ’bout lick the wallpaper, lick the wallpaper, WHAT THE HELL KINDA ESTABLISHMENT IS THIS, man? Ain't nobody wearin’ hairnets, OSHA ain't been here since the Civil War. Then this fat little fella named Augustus Gloop starts drinkin’ straight outta the chocolate river, man, slurp slurp, Wonka says hey, hey, don't do that, boy, but don't actually do nothin’ about it, man, next thing you know, little bastard falls in, gets sucked up a giant pipe like a dang ol’ human milkshake, man, WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP, THERE GOES AUGUSTUS, tell ya hwhat. And right in the middle of this damn industrial accident, these little orange fellas come waddlin’ outta the walls, man, lookin’ like somebody done microwaved a bunch of miniature bodybuilders, start singin’ about the kid bein’ fat, man, I'm talkin’ full goddamn musical number while the boy suffocatin’ in the plumbing! ♪ DANG OL’ CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE TUBE! ♪ ♪ GOT A FAT LITTLE FELLA IN A PIPE FULL OF FOOD! ♪ ♪ PUMP HIM UP! PUMP HIM DOWN! ♪ ♪ LITTLE MAN'S GOIN’ TO THE NEXT DAMN TOWN! ♪ ♪ BEEP BEEP! SWEET MEAT! ♪ ♪ SOMEBODY GET HIS ASS OUT THE CONCRETE! ♪ Man, WH-WH-WHAT THE FUCK, man, where'd the music come from? Dang ol’ orange men got choreography prepared for a child dyin’, man, that's premeditated musical homicide, tell ya hwhat. So they keep walkin’, man, got this little girl named Violet chewin’ some experimental gum, turns into a giant blueberry, man, purple as a damn bruised testicle, gotta roll her ass down to the juicing department, talkin’ ’bout squeeze the child, squeeze the child, man, that ain't a medical procedure, that's a goddamn felony. Then Veruca Salt, man, rich little girl wants a squirrel, wants a goose, wants the whole damn factory, man, falls down a garbage chute, daddy goes after her, BOOM, whole family in the trash compactor, Wonka just standin’ there like dang ol’ quality control, man, ain't nobody called the police yet? Then this little television-addicted bastard named Mike Teavee climbs inside a machine, gets transmitted through the air, comes out three inches tall, man, gotta put him on a dang ol’ medieval torture rack and stretch his ass back out, talkin’ ’bout W-W-WIDESCREEN, man, boy went from 4K to a goddamn postage stamp. Now Charlie's the only kid left, man, Grandpa Joe done stole some fizzy drink, floated up to the ceiling, nearly got turned into ground beef by a giant ventilation fan, and somehow this unemployed son of a bitch still got the nerve to argue with Wonka about the prize. Wonka starts yellin’ YOU GET NOTHING, man, Charlie gives him back some little candy ball, Wonka suddenly changes his whole damn personality, talkin’ ’bout congratulations, boy, you own the factory. THE FACTORY?! Man, this little bastard ain't even old enough to drive a forklift, now he responsible for four missing children, a blueberry extraction facility, thirty-seven labor violations and an entire workforce of orange immigrants singin’ mandatory workplace propaganda, man. Then Wonka puts Charlie and Grandpa Joe in a glass elevator, flies straight through the goddamn roof, man, SHATTERS THE WHOLE BUILDING, glass everywhere, flyin’ over the city, old man probably done shit his pajamas, Wonka talkin’ ’bout we can go anywhere, Charlie! Man, I-I-I JUST WANTED A FUCKIN’ CHOCOLATE BAR! Dang ol’ Willy Wonka, man, five kids enter, one gets a factory, four get physically restructured, and not one goddamn parent reads the liability waiver, man, tell ya hwhat.
