[void] life lost at the age of 14 dad in the ground no guidance on the run living in a waking dream ended up on the streets plunger pushing my sanity as my inner child retreats did some dirt ran with a crew proved myself countless times left with nothing to show but track mark scars and a deviated septum in my nose still have no regrets about the places I ended up in shaping this man thru a life of sin only to reach its end rebirthing letting life finnaly begin [void] looking back on life telling myself I don't care got me nowhere but despair half lotus sitting in the lair chronic on the breath as I remember emotions bleeding seeping out of me even while I was sleeping silently screaming while I was dreaming across a long lonely evening emotions silently played by my demons wanting it to stop but never being able to get away till I blew apart my consciousness with psychedelics and meth cravings went away now I just smoke weed and meditate to get thru my day [void] caffeine in the tea has me tweaking sweating speakin like a heathen fuck your gods ill never be a believer demonic bass vibrating out of the speakers life can suck my dick death its time for us to start speaking spending each day integrating myself splitting apart while sleeping separating wake up back to the floor debating wondering if peace is really worth cultivating I keep asking myself was the harder version of me the real 1 or was i hiding behind it and the me now is the real 1 or is it both i dont fucking know When I was young I got good at being a people pleaser so why now am I never pleased with myself willing to go a extra mile for a stranger looking at myself saying he can do without [void] overdose of anxiety no voice up there its my feelings that scream stuck behind a wall in my head thermal gravity keeps pulsating hheart about to explode shattering into tiny pieces why do I wake up this way for no damn reason lungs hesitating its hard to keep breathing [void] stuck in my head stuck in this life no voices singing to me its quiet emotions scream I keep fucking trying telling myself itll be ok knowing that im lying, in a cave im hiding existing in limbo cant stop from crying if I slit my wrist would my soul be flying or just cause my brain to rapidly decay consciousness fading away [void] Is cultivating peace worth it? Is the integrated self even stable? Is there anything beyond consciousness? Is “soul” anything separate from the brain? I still dont fucking know answers always change or give way they elude me like shadows in the light they keep shifting sick of being a dull tool in the shed unable to complete tasks that are expected always being neglected never respected sharpened and corrected yelled at half way thru thrown to the side and ejected rejected feeling so dejected lived this long depression being perfected in the shadows i hide suspended until im convenient again resurrected however brief tossed aside is always how its ended slowly fading each day light in my eyes dims and fades only way to charge it up is to meditate is it some cosmic joke or a cruel fate shadows in the light concentrates and fade away like the answers I found the previous day
