[Intro — spoken, barely containing it] Please remove the unexpected item From the bagging area I didn't PUT anything in the bagging area I KNOW That's what makes it unexpected [Verse 1 — rap, controlled fury] Six items or less and I've got exactly four Approached the self-checkout like I've done before Scanned the first item, no complaints, we're fine Scanned the second, that's when I crossed the line The machine made a noise like a disappointed aunt Froze the entire screen with a governmental chant A light went red, a light went amber A member of staff approached at a leisurely saunter [Pre-Chorus] She looked at the screen She looked at me She looked at the screen again She pressed a button Nothing happened She pressed it again It beeped That was it That was the solution A beep [Chorus — enormous, absurd, genuine] UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA OF MY SOUL UNEXPECTED ITEM I HAVE BEEN FLAGGED BY THE MACHINE I AM THE UNEXPECTED ITEM I DON'T BELONG IN THE BAGGING AREA I NEVER HAVE PLEASE SEND ASSISTANCE PLEASE SEND ASSISTANCE ...she's gone back to her chair [Verse 2 — heavier, the indignity compounds] Have you got a loyalty card, have you got a bag Have you got the will to live or has the system made you sad Do you want cashback, do you want a receipt Do you want to stand here while the printer skips a beat I said no bag because I brought my own A reusable one, canvas, I'm not made of stone The machine didn't know what to do with that information Required a human and a four digit authorisation For a bag My bag That I brought [Pre-Chorus] She looked at the screen She looked at me She looked at the screen again She pressed a button Nothing happened She pressed it again It beeped That was it That was the solution A beep [Chorus] UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA OF MY SOUL UNEXPECTED ITEM I HAVE BEEN FLAGGED BY THE MACHINE I AM THE UNEXPECTED ITEM I DON'T BELONG IN THE BAGGING AREA I NEVER HAVE PLEASE SEND ASSISTANCE PLEASE SEND ASSISTANCE ...she's gone back to her chair [Bridge — spoken, over near silence, Black Knight energy] I would like to speak to whoever designed this system I have questions Specifically — What did they think would happen When they built a machine That requires a human To supervise it At all times That's just a human With extra steps And a light that goes amber For no reason We've reinvented the checkout And made it worse And called it progress And I'm still standing here With four items And a canvas bag And absolutely nowhere to be But here [Breakdown — full collapse] REMOVE THE ITEM / WHAT ITEM PLACE THE ITEM / THERE IS NO ITEM UNEXPECTED / IT'S A TURNIP UNEXPECTED / IT'S ALWAYS BEEN A TURNIP APPROVAL NEEDED / SHE'S NOT COMING APPROVAL NEEDED / SHE'S NEVER COMING ...beep [Outro — single guitar, hollow, thousand yard stare] Transaction complete Thank you for shopping with us Please take your items And your receipt And your dignity If you can find it In the bagging area
