[MALE — DEEP, LAZY DRAWL] Well... You wouldn't bloody believe what happened last night. [THEREMIN SWOOP — DRUM FILL] [VERSE 1 — CHEEKY RHYTHMIC MALE FOLK-ROCK] I was sitting in the backyard, Having a cup of tea, When a great big flying saucer Came hovering over me. Out stepped three little creatures, With enormous staring eyes, No hair, no clothes, no eyebrows, And about a quarter of my size. I said, "You ugly little bastards, You could do with a bit of sun! Some clothes and a set of eyelashes, Wouldn't hurt a single one!" [MALE — SPOKEN] And for heaven's sake... Put some bloody pants on! [PRE-CHORUS — BASS AND DRUMS BUILD] One grabbed my arm, One grabbed my shoe, The third little bugger said… [ALIEN — HIGH-PITCHED MALE ROBOTIC] We've come for you! [CHORUS — MASSIVE BOUNCY KICKS, STUTTERED MALE GANG CHANTS] BEAM! BEAM! BEAM ME UP, YOU LITTLE FREAKS! BEAM! BEAM! BEAM ME UP, YOU LITTLE FREAKS! U-U-U-FO! HERE WE GO! UP! UP! AWAY WE GO! BEAM ME UP! BEAM ME UP! BEAM ME UP, YOU LITTLE FREAKS! [INSTRUMENTAL — 24 BARS. FILTHY SLAP BASS, THAI GUITAR, WAH RIFFS, THEREMIN, BRASS STABS.] [VERSE 2 — MALE, RELAXED AND AMUSED] They took me up above the clouds, And showed me planet Earth. Said, "We've been watching you lot, Since long before your birth." "You're clever little creatures, But your egos run the show. You build a thousand weapons, Then you wonder why things blow." "You preach about compassion, While you're fighting over land. You talk about your freedom, With a leash in either hand." [MALE — SPOKEN] Well... They had a bloody point. [ALIEN — DRY ROBOTIC MALE] Your species appears highly intelligent... Until it opens its mouth. [SHORT BASS SLIDE — BRASS STAB] [CHORUS — HUGE STUTTERED FUNK HOOK] BEAM! BEAM! BEAM ME UP, YOU LITTLE FREAKS! BEAM! BEAM! BEAM ME UP, YOU LITTLE FREAKS! U-U-U-FO! HERE WE GO! UP! UP! AWAY WE GO! BEAM ME UP! BEAM ME UP! BEAM ME UP, YOU LITTLE FREAKS! [INSTRUMENTAL — 32 BARS. BASS AND BONGOS, THEN THAI GUITAR, TALKBOX, THEREMIN AND BRASS.] [VERSE 3 — MALE, PLAYFUL STORYTELLING] They took me to their planet, Where everybody lived in peace. No politicians arguing, No traffic, tax or police. They'd mastered all their science, Had machines that read your mind. They'd left their egos centuries ago, And left their wars behind. I said, "You clever little weirdos, Why don't you give us what you've got?" They said, "We sell your leaders technology, And study your ridiculous lot." [MALE — SPOKEN] Hang on... You SELL them technology? [ALIEN — DEADPAN] Yes. Your governments are excellent customers. [MALE] Well, that explains a bloody lot. [PRE-CHORUS — QUIRKY GUITAR AND BASS] They said, "We keep our distance, Your planet's quite insane. You're very close to blowing up, But still complain about the rain." [CHORUS — BIG BOUNCY KICKS] BEAM! BEAM! BEAM ME UP, YOU LITTLE FREAKS! BEAM! BEAM! BEAM ME UP, YOU LITTLE FREAKS! U-U-U-FO! HERE WE GO! UP! UP! AWAY WE GO! BEAM ME UP! BEAM ME UP! BEAM ME UP, YOU LITTLE FREAKS! [EXTENDED INSTRUMENTAL — 48 BARS. MASSIVE RUBBERY BASS, DUELLING THAI AND WAH GUITARS, BONGOS, TALKBOX, THEREMIN, SPACE SYNTHS AND BRASS. INFECTIOUS GROOVE.] [BRIDGE — BASS, FINGER CLICKS, SOFT THEREMIN] [MALE — WARM, REFLECTIVE] From way up there, the world looked small, No borders could be seen. Just oceans, clouds and continents, A little blue and green. All those flags and all those fights, All the things we claim to own. A beautiful little planet, Full of egos on the throne. [MALE — SPOKEN] You know... Maybe we're the bloody aliens. [ALIEN — QUIET ROBOTIC MALE] We have considered that possibility. [DRUM FILL — BASS RETURNS] [VERSE 4 — MALE, PLAYFUL, BUILDING TO PUNCHLINE] Well, I thought we'd made a friendship, Thought I'd found a better place. Even started getting used to Their peculiar little faces. Then they led me down a hallway, To a brightly glowing room. There was something on a trolley, And I felt a sense of doom. I said, "What's that funny instrument? And why's it pointed there?" The little bugger smiled at me, And said, "Please remove your underwear." [ALL MUSIC STOPS] [MALE — SPOKEN] You want me to WHAT?! [ALIEN — POLITE ROBOTIC MALE] Routine examination. [MALE] Of WHAT?! [ALIEN] Your lower communications port. [LONG PAUSE] [MALE] Oh, you dirty little bastards! [HUGE FUNK BASS DROP — THEREMIN GOES WILD] [FINAL CHORUS — MALE, URGENT, MASSIVE KICKS] BEAM! BEAM! BEAM ME DOWN, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! BEAM! BEAM! BEAM ME DOWN, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! N-N-NO! NOT THAT HOLE! TAKE ME HOME! I WANNA GO! BEAM ME DOWN! BEAM ME DOWN! YOU DIRTY BASTARDS! [EXTENDED OUTRO — 48 BARS. HUGE SLAP BASS, WAH GUITAR, THEREMIN, TALKBOX, BONGOS AND BRASS. WILD PLAYFUL FUNK.] [ALIEN — POLITE ROBOTIC MALE] Would you like to leave a five-star review? [MALE] You can shove your five stars… [ALIEN] That procedure is also available. [MALE] TAKE ME HOME, YOU DIRTY BASTARDS! [FINAL BASS SLIDE — THEREMIN SHRIEK — HARD STOP.]
