🤣🤣🤣 YES. Denise has officially been promoted from random dish towel to NCU federal fucking informant. And the funniest part is nobody knows who she works for, including Denise. DENISE BEEN UNDERCOVER 🧻🕵️ The Pothead Chronicles [Intro] (low police scanner) (kitchen ambience) Peter… Don’t turn around. PETER: Why? Because Denise watching you. PETER: Who the fuck is Denise? … The dish towel. (beat drops) PETER: Man, I’m too high for this shit. ⸻ [Verse 1] Denise on the oven handle, same damn spot Been hanging there since June and she ain’t washed Never dried a plate, never touched a cup But every time Peter walks by, she writing shit up Little tiny notebook tucked in her fold Dark sunglasses like she undercover gold Peter said, “Why that towel keep staring at me?” Denise whispered… “Subject appears paranoid.” BITCH, YOU’RE THE REASON! Carl walked in like, “Everybody stay calm.” Barbara started spinning like a fucking alarm Mailbox Mike yelled, “Don’t involve me!” Denise wrote: “Mailbox refusing cooperation. Possibly connected.” MAILBOX: CONNECTED TO WHAT?! ⸻ [CHORUS] 🎵 Denise been undercover since the middle of June! Hanging off the oven, watching everything we do! Bitch, you’re a dish towel! WHO ARE YOU REPORTING TO?! Denise touched her little earpiece: “They’re onto me.” (THEY?! WHO THE FUCK IS THEY?!) Denise been undercover! Nobody knows why! Never dried a damn dish But got a whole FBI file! Peter said, “Leave me alone!” Denise wrote: “Subject becoming hostile.” ⸻ [Verse 2] Tuesday, Peter opened up the fridge Denise leaned sideways trying to see what he did Peter grabbed mustard. Denise wrote: “Yellow substance recovered.” IT’S FUCKING MUSTARD! She photographed the bottle. Bagged the cap. Called for backup… Nobody came. Because apparently… DENISE DOESN’T ACTUALLY HAVE BACKUP. Hula Hoop Cop walked through the door: “Denise, who authorized this investigation?” Silence. “Denise?” She looked left. Looked right. Then whispered: “That’s classified.” Carl dropped his microphone. “Aw, fuck.” Because there’s only ONE motherfucker around here that says shit like that. Everybody slowly turned… toward the refrigerator. ⸻ [CHORUS] 🎵 Denise been undercover since the middle of June! Hanging off the oven, watching everything we do! Bitch, you’re a dish towel! WHO ARE YOU REPORTING TO?! Denise whispered: “I can’t disclose my handler.” (YOUR WHAT?!) Never washed a plate! Never dried a spoon! But somehow got surveillance From the kitchen to the living room! 📬 Mailbox said: “DON’T PUT NOTHING IN ME!” Peter said: “I DIDN’T DO SHIT!” Carl said: “Please… nobody say Kevin.” ⸻ [Bridge: THE INTERROGATION] (beat strips down) They sat Denise underneath one kitchen light. Hula Hoop Cop started questioning her. “Full name?” Denise. “Last name?” Redacted. “Occupation?” Textile intelligence. Peter: BITCH, YOU’RE A RAG! Denise immediately starts writing. Peter: “STOP WRITING!” Writing faster. “WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!” Denise stops. Looks toward the refrigerator. Everybody turns. Kevin is standing there… holding his briefcase. (silence) Kevin: “What?” Carl: “Kevin… do you know Denise?” Kevin: “Define know.” Peter: OH FUCK THIS. ⸻ [Verse 3] Now everybody watching Denise watching them Denise watching Barbara, Barbara watching Kev Mailbox watching nobody, learned his lesson in jail Terry’s ankle monitor blinking beside the mail Denise disappeared around quarter past three Left nothing but a note by the coffee machine It said: MISSION COMPROMISED. RELOCATION REQUIRED. DO NOT ATTEMPT CONTACT. Peter screamed: “GOOD! SHE FINALLY FUCKING LEFT!” Then Barbara whispered: “Peter…” “What?” “Look behind you.” … A brand-new dish towel. Different color. Same sunglasses. Peter: YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. ⸻ [FINAL CHORUS] 🎵 DENISE BEEN UNDERCOVER SINCE THE MIDDLE OF JUNE! Now there’s TWO DAMN TOWELS WATCHING EVERYTHING WE DO! WHO ARE YOU REPORTING TO?! (NO COMMENT!) WHO SENT YOU?! (CLASSIFIED!) WHY YOU WATCHING PETER?! (ONGOING INVESTIGATION!) Peter grabbed his weed and headed for the door: “I DON’T EVEN LIVE HERE NO MORE!” Carl: “Peter, this is your house.” … PETER: “Fuck.” (beat cuts) Denise quietly into her sleeve: “Subject has returned to residence.” (radio static) Unknown voice: “Copy.” Everybody freezes. Peter: “WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT?!” Denise: … “I can’t discuss Kevin.” (FRIDGE DOOR SLAMS) ❄️💼 Still SHINE
