[Verse 1] I saw one at the gas station, one outside the bank, one leaning on a motorcycle filling up his little tank. One polishing his sunglasses, one checking out his jaw, one with a tribal armband like it’s still 2004. I’m not saying there’s a pattern. I’m just saying—look around. Once you start to notice goatees, they are absolutely everywhere in town. [Pre-Chorus] A goatee is a bowl cut somebody gave their chin. It somehow makes a grown-ass man look twelve and forty-seven. [Chorus] KILL EVERYONE WITH A GOATEE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE? I BET IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND COUNT TO THREE— A DUDE WITH A GOATEE IS THE FIRST THING YOU’LL SEE! KILL EVERYONE WITH A GOATEE! [Verse 2] And evil copies always have them. That’s practically standard issue. Meet yourself from another timeline? Check his chin—you found the issue. And no, I don’t care if you’ve got a really good friend with a goatee. That shouldn’t be an issue. He knows what he did. [Pre-Chorus] How hard can it be? There’s another one behind me. That makes three. [Chorus] KILL EVERYONE WITH A GOATEE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE? I BET IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND COUNT TO THREE— A DUDE WITH A GOATEE IS THE FIRST THING YOU’LL SEE! KILL EVERYONE WITH A GOATEE! [Bridge] FULL BEARD? RESPECTABLE. MUST-ASH? A DECISION. Look, I don’t make the rules. Every alternate-universe prick apparently gets one at orientation. [Breakdown] Shave the cheeks! Leave the chin! What exactly are we doing? Shave the neck! Trim it thin! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU FOOLING? YOUR FRIEND HAS ONE? FINE. I DON’T CARE. HE’S STILL ON THE LIST. [Final Chorus] KILL EVERYONE WITH A GOATEE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE? I BET IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND COUNT TO THREE— A DUDE WITH A GOATEE IS THE FIRST THING YOU’LL SEE! KILL EVERYONE WITH A GOATEE!
