[INTRO: Telephone-filtered automated voice] "Thank you for calling your local borough council. Your call is important to us. You are currently... number... four thousand... seven hundred and eighty-one... in the queue." [SPOKEN INTRO] Forty-seven centuries! Cennen in ardhon dannad na lith! A sรญ? BAND D COUNCIL TAX?! Mellon! I survived Morgoth! Padrannen trรฎ i dรป! A sรญ, pedil annin... wait..... MAN?! MY FORD FOCUS PARKING PERMIT'S EXPIRED?! ร-BEDIN! [VERSE 1: Dirty Breakbeat, Sarcastic & Arrogant] Cennen Thangorodrim! In ered, na lith! Cennen in gwaith beleg, Iron and rust beneath! Padrannen Helcaraxรซ, Across the frozen sea! Ach avo pedo, Susan, ABOUT PAYMENT DEVICES TO ME! Next door's got a mansion, E mar nรฎn, mar nรฎn! Damp walls, broken heating, And the roof's caving in! Dave's paying band D, With a hot tub out back! I fought in the War of Wrath, AND THIS IS PROPER SHITE, LIKE! [Beat accelerates.] So I pick up i telephone, Council Tax, here we go! "Press one for payments, Press two for a chat, Press nine if you're questioning YOUR COUNCIL TAX!" Press nine! Press three! Man carathon sรญ?! Then a robot starts explaining BLOODY GDPR TO ME! [CHORUS: Full Gang Vocals, Heavy Bass] IM ON HOLD! (ON HOLD!) NI BRรN! (SO OLD!) Feels like three bloody Ages, And now my Bluetooth's gone cold! ร-GUION! (CAN'T LIVE!) NAE! NAE! BAND B! (BAND B!) WHY ME?! (WHY ME?!) Dave's got a hot tub, AND HE'S PAYING BAND D! PRESS ONE! PRESS TWO! MAN CARATHON?! I've been on this phone Since the Second Age through! COUNCIL TAX! (COUNCIL TAX!) ANNO ANNIN MY MONEY BACK! and I feelโ A fucking thousand years older From listening to this track! NAE! NAE! NAE! ร-GUION! NAE! IMMORTAL, NOT INVINCIBLE! I'M SUFFERING TODAY! [VERSE 2: Rapid-Fire, Increasingly Frantic Grime] Twenty minutes later, Number twenty-eight! The kettle's boiled twice, And I'm starting to hate! I glรฎr! I glรฎr! Round and round,Like Orc war-drums Beneath the ground! "Your call is important!" ร! ร! Been waiting since the Tudors, AND YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE! Number seventeen! Mae! Mae! yes!.... We're making ground! We're on our way! Then... [Music abruptly cuts.] DรNEN?! Not a single sound. [panic frantic vocals] Ai?!.... Ai?! HELLO?!... HELLO?! [Disconnected tone.] Nae! Nae! The line is dead! ร-chebin i sad nรฎn! Call back again, What do I hear? "Your estimated wait time is..." [Automated voice pauses.] SIXTY MINUTES. [frustrated vocals] SIXTY?! BY THE STARS OF ELBERETH! YOU'RE FUCKIN KIDDIN' ME! [CHORUS: Louder, Faster, More Furious] IM ON HOLD! (ON HOLD!) NI BRรN! (SO OLD!) Feels like three bloody Ages, And now my Bluetooth's gone cold! ร-GUION! (CAN'T LIVE!) NAE! NAE! BAND B! (BAND B!) WHY ME?! (WHY ME?!) Dave's got a hot tub, AND HE'S PAYING BAND D! PRESS 2! PRESS 1! MAN CARATHON?! I've been on this phone Since the Second Age through! COUNCIL TAX! (COUNCIL TAX!) ANNO ANNIN MY MONEY BACK! and I feelโ A fucking thousand years older From listening to this track! [VERSE 3: Aggressive Double-Time Flow] Maethannen ned i Auth en Nรญrnaeth! Cennen in lingwil dannad! From burning heights of heaven, I survived it all! Ach i telecom company, ร-chebin fucking estel! I just want my bloody refund, THIS IS ACTUAL HELL! My parents? Twelve thousand! Still telling me what to do! "Find a proper job!" EGO! Six hundred years a minstrel, Linnannen! Linnannen! Now I'm filling out a CV, For a job in bloody admin! Pedin i phith en Edhellen! Ancient names of power, That can shatter stone and bone! But now I must remember my password needs a capital and a number and a sign! AAAND ... THE WEBSITE'S JUST CRASHED MY BLOODY PHONE FOR THE NINETH TIME! [panicked] NAE! NAE! NAE! [BRIDGE / BREAKDOWN: Everything Stops] [The drums die. A faint electronic hum remains.] AUTOMATED VOICE: "Your call is very important to us. You are currently... Number... Four thousand...Seven hundred... And eighty-two... In the queue. Thank you for your patience." [Absolute silence.] (quietly): Nae... Nae... [frustrated building to anger] ร-chebin estel... ร-chebin... ร... fuck... ing [Shaky breath.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [FINAL DROP: FULL ELECTROPUNK] [Distorted guitars. Acid synths. Machine-gun drum-and-bass.] MAETHANNEN IN BALROG! NED I THรN EN AMBAR! I FACED THE BALROGS! IN THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH! CENNEN IN GIL! NU I Dร! I REMEMBER THE STARS BEFORE THE SUN BROKE THROUGH! IN 'LINGWIL! IN NAUR! IN MEGIN! IN AUTH! DRAGONS AND FIRE! POWER AND WAR! AND NOW I'M LOSING MY MIND OVER COUNCIL RED TAPE?! [Gang vocals:] RED TAPE! RED TAPE! NAE! NAE! NAE! SELF-CHECKOUT SCREAMING, "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!" I WAS CRAFTING THE RINGS NOW I'M CLOSE TO HYSTERIA! LANDLORD SAYS "NEWLY REFURBISHED!" THE BASEMENT'S NINE HUNDRED YEARS OLD! BUT ITS STILL NOT AS OLD AS I FEEL I'VE BEEN ON HOLD! ร-GUION! ร-GUION! NAE! NAE! NAE! IMMORTAL, NOT INVINCIBLE! I'M SUFFERING TODAY! BAND D! BAND B! MAN CARATHON?! WHY ME?! I SURVIVED THE FIRST AGE! and I SURVIVED THE SECOND! BUT A CALL TO THE COUNCIL? THAT'S WHERE MY MATCH IS MET, I RECKON...! [Massive bass impact.] [OUTRO: Music Gradually Dies Away] [A soft, tinny click.] [The council finally answers.] RECEPTIONIST (bright and cheerful): "Good afternoon, borough council customer service. How can I help?" [polite.] Ah... Mae govannen... Yes, hello... Goheno nin... Sorry to bother you... I was just... Oh... Yes? Mae... Hannon len... Thank you so much... oh...yes... I'll hold. [Click.] [whispered despairingly] "Nae..." [END]
