Destination reached: Planet Earth. Population: eight billion. Intelligent life: ...searching. My spaceship took a wrong left at Mars Now I'm stuck where people finance cars Buy bottled water Pay for air And spend forty bucks getting tacos delivered FROM A MILE OVER THERE Humans invented Wi-Fi Then made passwords impossible "Your password has expired." WHY?! IT WAS DOING FINE! I called the mothership Said, "Get me out!" They said, "What's wrong with Earth?" HOW MUCH TIME YOU GOT?! I'M ON THE WRONG PLANET! Somebody screwed this up You got eight-dollar coffee In a five-cent cup WRONG PLANET! Beam me outta here! Your refrigerator has Wi-Fi— BUT YOUR SOCKS STILL DISAPPEAR! WRONG PLANET! WHO RUNS THIS PLACE?! WRONG PLANET! I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO SPACE! Humans got doorbells Watching the street Watches counting Every heartbeat Cars have cameras Fridges have screens My toothbrush wants Bluetooth— WHY?! WHAT ARE WE STREAMING?! Then the website says: "Prove you're human." Fine. "Select every square with a motorcycle." I'M FROM JUPITER, CAROL! I DON'T KNOW YOUR TRAFFIC LAWS! Then they handed me a QR code. For a MENU. Just tell me what sandwiches you have! I'M ON THE WRONG PLANET! Nothing here is clear You pay for twelve subscriptions You forgot you had all year Wrong planet! Nothing makes sense! You bought a robot vacuum— THEN FOLLOW IT AROUND TO SEE IF IT WORKS! People drive to the gym to walk on a treadmill. They take pictures of food before eating it. They say "no worries" while actively having worries. And everybody says— "We should totally get together sometime." They will not. And what's "Reply All"? Why does everyone fear it? Why does one person named Brenda keep using it? STOP, BRENDA! WE ALL GOT THE EMAIL! WRONG PLANET! DELETE THE THREAD! WRONG PLANET! BRENDA, GO TO BED! Update! Restart! Password! CAPTCHA! Cookies! Terms! Conditions! "Would you like to receive notifications?" NO! I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS! I'M ON THE WRONG PLANET! But I've learned a thing or two Humans make absolutely no sense— But honestly? Neither do I. Wrong planet! Still hanging around Because Earth has dogs And tacos— And apparently that's enough to keep civilization going! Planet Earth. Pros: Dogs. Tacos. Music. Naps. Cons: Passwords. Meetings. Printer ink. And Brenda. Rating: Two and a half stars. Would I visit again? Unfortunately... I live here now.
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