[Intro — Minimal Beat, Spoken Male Voice] DJ Champignon... We have a situation. There's a man on the dancefloor. He doesn't speak English. He doesn't understand rhythm. But apparently... He's the greatest dancer alive. [Verse 1 — Cool, Deadpan Vocal] He walks in left, he falls to the right He spins like a washing machine tonight One foot forward, two feet back He's doing something nobody can track! He takes the middle, he takes the sides He's dancing like a furniture truck collided Everybody moves away in fear But he thinks the crowd is cheering for his career! [Build-Up] I don't speak English! I don't speak English! But I know how to dance! I know how to dance! [Drop — Hypnotic Bass] Left foot! Wrong foot! Turn around! Knock somebody! Hit the ground! I don't speak English! I don't understand! But I'm the king! Of the dancefloor land! [Verse 2 — More Groovy, More Absurd] He's doing the chicken, he's doing the crane He's moving like a robot caught in the rain He waves his arms like a helicopter The DJ looks and says, "It's getting hotter!" A couple escapes, the bartender hides There's absolutely nowhere left on either side He shouts, "Amazing!" and gives a big grin While three security guards are moving in! [Beat Suddenly Stops] [DJ CHAMPIGNON — Live Microphone, Deep Authority] Excuse me, sir! Yes, YOU! The man with the legs going in four different directions! This is a dancefloor... NOT A CAR PARK! You're blocking the exits! You're frightening the dancers! And I think your left foot Just applied for asylum! [Silence — One Kick Drum] PLEASE... GET OFF THE DANCEFLOOR! [Main Drop — DJ Champignon Chant] GET OFF! GET OFF! THE DANCEFLOOR! GET OFF! GET OFF! WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! DJ CHAMPIGNON SAYS: MOVE IT TO THE DOOR! GET OFF! GET OFF! THE DANCEFLOOR! [The Man — Confused Spoken Voice] What? You want me to dance MORE? [DJ CHAMPIGNON] NO! THE DOOR! [Drop — Bass Returns, Crowd Chant] Not that way! That's the bar! Not that way! That's a car! Follow the light! Follow the sound! And please stop dancing while you're going out! [Final Chorus — Massive Club Chant] I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I'M THE BEST DANCER IN THE WHOLE DAMN LAND! GET OFF! GET OFF! DJ CHAMPIGNON SAYS! GET OFF! GET OFF! YOU'RE RUINING OUR DAY! [Outro — Beat Fades, Spoken] [The Man] Thank you, DJ! You're a very nice man! [DJ CHAMPIGNON] He thinks I complimented him. Somebody... Hide the microphone. [One Last Bass Hit] DJ Champignon. Dancefloor management. Twenty-four hours a day.
