Citizens. Approach the tin. We are not merely snacking. We are selecting an ally. First. The Digestive... Plain. It is round. It is brown. It is boring. It is the infantry of the biscuit world. Reliable... but it requires cheese to be interesting. However. Consider the Milk Chocolate Digestive. This is the Officer Class. One side is wheat; the other is luxury. Now... the question. Chocolate side up? Or chocolate side down? Listen to me... Chocolate side... down. On the tongue. Let it melt before you crunch. Maximize the utility. The Sandwiches. The Custard Cream. Look at the design.... The baroque flourishes... ... It thinks it is architecture. Many of you twist the top off... and lick the cream... This is acceptable... if you are under the age of six. ... Adults... eat the whole unit. And The Bourbon. The dark brick. It is chocolate on chocolate. It is serious. It does not smile. It is the biscuit for a rainy Tuesday. Respect its geometry. And now. The Heavy Artillery. ... The Hobnob... Oats.... Syrup... Armor plating. This is not a biscuit. It is a shield. It is the S.A.S. of the pantry. You can dunk a Hobnob into scalding tea... and it will not yield. It drinks the tea... It swells... But it holds the line.... If you are expecting a crisis... choose the Hobnob. A final warning on The Dunk. We all do it. But know your limits. The Rich Tea biscuit is a coward. One second too long... and *plop*. ... Oh, the Tragedy! The Sludge at the bottom of the cup. If a biscuit breaks off in your tea... the tea is ruined. You must pour it away. And sit in silence to think about your failure. Choose your weapon. Dunk responsibly. Wipe the crumbs from your lip. Carry on.
