[INTRO — whispered, cinematic] They warned you about Bob... Not that Bob. This one's different. They call him Ho-Bob. And unfortunately... He knows he's handsome. --- [VERSE] He pulled up late in a dented blue ride, One hand on the wheel, sunglasses at night. Got a gold-plated chain from the Bob-Mart aisle, And that same stupid grin that's been working for a while. Big Bob said, “Boy, you're gonna get burned.” Lil' Bob said, “Bro, when will you ever learn?” Ho-Bob just laughed, fixed his collar in the glass, Said, “Gentlemen, gentlemen... You gotta let me handle that.” He's got three missed calls from Bob's Mom's phone, Two angry texts from Bob-Dawg's throne, And somewhere downtown, there's a Bob who still swears Ho-Bob stole his girl— He says, “I wasn't even there.” [PRE-CHORUS] Every Bob's got a story, Every Bob's got a past, But when Ho-Bob walks through the door, You know the night won't last. [CHORUS] I'm Ho-Bob, baby, The problem with the Bobverse, Got a heart made of chrome And a mouth that makes it worse. I'm Ho-Bob, baby, The king of bad decisions, If love is a game, Then I skipped the competition. Bob said, “Don't do it.” Bob said, “Walk away.” Ho-Bob said, “Relax, my friend, It's just another Tuesday.” I'm Ho-Bob, baby, Everybody knows my name, You can change the whole Bobverse— But you can't change my game. [VERSE ] He met Cool Bob outside the Bob's Diner sign, Cool Bob said, “You're trouble.” He said, “You're damn right.” Sad Bob watched him leave with a tear in his eye, Mad Bob yelled, “HO-BOB!” He just waved goodbye. There's a Bobverse bulletin with his picture on the wall, “DO NOT LET THIS MAN NEAR THE LADIES AT ALL.” But someone crossed it out with a permanent pen: “Too late.” “He's here again.” [PRE-CHORUS] He's been banned from Bob's Club, He's been kicked from Bob's Bar, He somehow got invited back Because apparently he's a star. [CHORUS] I'm Ho-Bob, baby, The problem with the Bobverse, Got a heart made of chrome And a mouth that makes it worse. I'm Ho-Bob, baby, The king of bad decisions, If love is a game, Then I skipped the competition. Bob said, “Don't do it.” Bob said, “Walk away.” Ho-Bob said, “Relax, my friend, It's just another Tuesday.” I'm Ho-Bob, baby, Everybody knows my name, You can change the whole Bobverse— But you can't change my game. [Instrumental solo – electric guitar] [BRIDGE — stripped back] They say every universe needs a hero... Somebody brave. Somebody noble. Somebody who makes the right choice. ... Yeah. We got Ho-Bob instead. [Guitar hit] And honestly? We're probably better off. [FINAL CHORUS — HUGE] I'm Ho-Bob, baby, The legend of the Bobverse, Every time I show up, Somebody's getting hurt first. I'm Ho-Bob, baby, Put my name in the history, Bob-Prime tried to stop me— Now he's part of the mystery. Big Bob knows me, Lil' Bob knows me, Even Grandpa Bob says, “Boy, don't you owe me?” I'm Ho-Bob, baby, The name they can't erase, Every Bob has a story— I'm the one they can't explain. --- [OUTRO — whispered] Some Bobs save the world. Some Bobs destroy it. Some Bobs stand around and ask what's for dinner. But Ho-Bob? Ho-Bob gets the girl. ... Usually. [distant voice] “HO-BOB! GET OUT OF BOB'S HOUSE!” [Ho-Bob] “...I thought this was my house.” [END]
