Got in on twelve, I was heading down, Doors slid shut, hit zero, no one made a sound. An old lady beside me, some bald-headed guy, Then something in my stomach said: “Tonight, somebody dies.” Eleventh floor — I’m still doing fine, Tenth — I’m standing sideways, pretending it’s my spine. Ninth — cold sweat is running down my face, The lady says, “Sir, are you okay?” “Yeees…” While I’m losing the race. DON’T FART IN THE ELEVATOR! Just hold it one more floor! Don’t look at anybody, Clench like you’ve never clenched before! DON’T FART IN THE ELEVATOR! The lobby’s almost there! ’Cause if you let it go right now… No one will believe it was the dog! At eight my neighbor joined us, At seven came his brother, At six some lady shopping, Then an old man and another. At five the elevator stopped. The display flashed: “ERROR.” And suddenly I saw the light And felt my final hour. Someone hits the alarm, Someone’s calling for aid, I’ve got a bigger emergency I’m too ashamed to name. The bald guy looks at me: “Sir, why are you shaking so?” I say nothing. There are tears in my eyes. There are things he shouldn’t know. DON’T FART IN THE ELEVATOR! Just hold it one more floor! Don’t look at anybody, Clench like you’ve never clenched before! DON’T FART IN THE ELEVATOR! Salvation’s almost here! ’Cause if you let it go right now… We won’t need the alarm! Suddenly we’re moving — Fourth… Third… Two… Ground floor! Doors wide open! I escape while I still can! I’m running free, I taste the sweet victory of man! Then I freeze. My phone. My fucking phone is still inside the elevator. I run back to the cabin, trying not to show my fear. The doors close right behind me… And the valve gives up right here. Everybody looks at Baldy. Baldy looks down at his dog. The dog looks back. Then covers his nose with both his paws. And everybody knows… IT WAS ME.
