I’m not crying

I stayed up counting cracks in the ceiling again Every line looks like a place I’ve been Coffee went cold in my shaking hands Another night I don’t understand Text I wrote but I never sent Feels like talking to a brick wall in my head Static noise where your voice should be Just echoes keeping time with me I tell myself I’m fine, I swear But my reflection’s startin’ to stare… I’m not crying, I’m just testing The structural integrity of my eyelids If they break, then I guess I’m confessing All the things I tried to keep hid Yeah I laugh like it’s nothing at all But the silence hits harder at night If I’m bending, I’m close to fallin’ Holding tears like they’re built to fight Late night glow from a dying screen Painting shadows where you used to be Every song hits a little too close Like it knows what I hate the most I wear jokes like a bandage now Cover up what I won’t allow If I say it out loud, it’s real So I bury it deeper than I can feel Yeah I’m stitched up, barely there But I’m cracking unaware… I’m not crying, I’m just testing The structural integrity of my eyelids If they break, then I guess I’m confessing All the things I tried to keep hid Yeah I smile like I’m holding it down But I’m slipping out of the light If I shatter, don’t make a sound I’ve been breaking for a while inside If I let it fall… Would it wash me clean? Or just prove that I’m Not as strong as I seem… I’m not crying, I’m just testing How much pressure I can hold inside Every blink feels like I’m confessing Every truth that I’ve tried to hide If they break, let it all spill out I’m so tired of the fight I’m not crying… just finding out What it takes… to finally feel alright Just testing… Just testing… (…but they’re giving way tonight)