[Intro – My Voice, cocky spoken delivery, 150 BPM, beat already moving] Alright. Denmark has entered the roast again. This is friendly fire. Mostly. [Hook – huge gang rhythm, punchy drums, distorted guitars] FRIENDLY FIRE! Nobody duck! I brought receipts and I don't give a fuck. North. West. Everybody gets one. If your flag's in the room, the roast has begun. FRIENDLY FIRE! Don't take it to heart. Small country. Big fucking mouth. Three targets. One mic. No immunity tonight. [Verse 1 – Norway, fast playful rap, tight pauses] NORWAY! Beautiful mountains. Fjords looking insane. Buy one sandwich, refinance your name. Twenty bucks for coffee? For that price, it better wake me up, pay my rent, and drive me home. You struck oil, got rich, then said: “Great. Now charge us twice.” Your scenery looks like God maxed out the graphics settings. Every mountain. Every waterfall. Every corner looks like a movie. But getting anywhere? Three ferries. Two toll roads. One financial crisis. And somehow every Norwegian looks ready to survive six months in the wild. Meanwhile, I'm freezing walking to my car. [Pre-Hook – stop-start] Norway... relax. You're gorgeous. Annoyingly gorgeous. But I shouldn't need a payment plan for a fucking pizza. [Hook] FRIENDLY FIRE! Nobody duck! I brought receipts and I don't give a fuck. North. West. Everybody gets one. If your flag's in the room, the roast has begun. [Verse 2 – Sweden, bouncy sarcastic rap] SWEDEN! Oh, Sweden. Denmark's attractive sibling who keeps rearranging the living room. You gave us IKEA. Which means humanity has spent decades arguing with furniture because words were apparently optional. Step one: Part A. Step two: Part B. WHAT THE FUCK IS PART B?! And why do I still have six screws left? The table is standing. I think. Don't touch it. And your meatballs? Good. I'll give you that. But why do I walk through nineteen fake bedrooms before I can eat them? Spotify. Alright. Stop flexing. We get it. But when Denmark plays Sweden in football... that friendly little bridge between us turns into a war zone. [Break – dry spoken] We love you though. From over here. Stay over there. Perfect. [Hook] FRIENDLY FIRE! Nobody duck! Norway's rich. Sweden builds shelves. America... Oh boy. Your turn. [Verse 3 – America, fast confident rap] AMERICA! You don't do anything small. Coffee? Bucket. Car? Apartment. Meal? Family of six. One person ordered it. You measure distance in feet, weight in pounds, temperature in... numbers that scare Europeans. “What temperature is it?” “Eighty-seven.” EIGHTY-SEVEN?! ARE WE DYING?! Oh. Fahrenheit. Of course. Fifty states, and every one acts like its own TV show. Texas: “I got this.” “Hold my alligator.” California? Already filming. New York? Yelling at somebody for standing still. And your medicine ads? “Ask your doctor about Happyzol.” Sunshine. Happy family. Golden retriever. Then: “May cause bleeding, blindness, bankruptcy, and death.” BUT LOOK! THE DOG'S HAPPY! [Transition – beat keeps moving, dry spoken] Alright... Denmark. Oh no. [Verse 4 – Denmark self-roast, fast dry delivery] Yeah. We're not safe either. Denmark. So flat, if your dog runs away, you can still see it on Thursday. Our mountains? Enthusiastic hills. Weather forecast? Rain. Wind. More rain. Three minutes of sun? EVERYBODY OUTSIDE! NOW! We call everything “cozy” because saying “we're indoors again” sounds depressing. We invented LEGO. Cute. Until you step on one barefoot at three in the morning. Then suddenly nothing is cozy. And yes, we speak Danish. Technically. Half the words never leave the throat. We swallow the rest and assume you understood. Maybe we sound like we've got potatoes in our mouths. Fair. But Norway... Sweden... don't laugh. Because you two sound like you're singing every damn sentence. You could say: “I'm just going to buy some milk.” And somehow... there's a melody. WHY ARE YOU SINGING ABOUT MILK?! We sound like we're choking on a potato. You sound like a Disney musical at the supermarket. Pick your poison. [Final Hook – massive, fast chant] FRIENDLY FIRE! Nobody duck! Denmark talked shit and included itself. Norway Its Too expensive! Sweden Go Build it yourself! America Just Use Celcius! DENMARK! SPIT OUT THE POTATO! Four countries. One stupid song. Everybody offended? Perfect. FRIENDLY FIRE! FRIENDLY FIRE! No borders survive when the punchlines arrive. [Outro – spoken] Norway. Sweden. America. Denmark. We love you. Probably. Denmark out.
