satire Hello and welcome to the corporate world. Here are all our rules. Oh yes, we know they make no sense— but follow them to a T. Remember, here there is no you or I, only we. Here’s your phone and here’s your desk. Where is it you are from—Bangladesh? Here’s a pen and a call log, and here’s your helpful dialogue. Don’t worry what the customer has to say. Simply reply in one of these helpful scripted ways. The customer may get upset—they often do. Don’t take it personal, they aren’t really mad at you. No, you are not a heartless so-and-so. You are not a mindless drone… (not yet). You are just a customer service rep. If the customer starts to escalate, remember what to say: “Could you please wait while I place you on a brief hold?” Say it just that way. What else do they have to do today? Now you can go have a cup of coffee or take a bathroom break. Take as long as you want to take. They will patiently listen to the muzak. They’ll wait for you to come back… or they won’t. That really shouldn’t matter to you. You can only do what you can do. If, when you return, they are still there, thank them for waiting—assure them we care. Then put them on hold and go fix your hair. After an hour or two with no progress, assure them we’re working on the problem, yes. Promise to call them when everything is done. Don’t worry about the follow-through— after all, what can the customer do? And when all else fails and there's something you cannot explain There is always the automated systems to blame. End your day. Be on your way. As they all wait for a call that does not come. But why should you care? Your feelings are numb.
