The Plant (spoken text)

So… I brought a plant. Yeah, you heard me—a plant. And no, this isn’t performance art. This is just... well, the place we’re at now. We’ve run out of things to talk about, haven’t we? Politics? Done. Economy? Check. The meaning of life? Overcooked. So now? It’s me... and this ficus. [Pause, breathy laugh] And you know what’s crazy? This plant—this plant right here—breathes. It breathes… but it never, never has anxiety. [Snaps fingers] Just like that. Meanwhile, I get a text that says 'hey'—just 'hey'—and I’m ready to delete my entire existence. But this ficus? Nah. It’s chill. It’s turning light into oxygen, like, no sweat. Forget therapy—I should just be this ficus. Can you picture it? Me, rooted, still, standing tall. No overthinking. No spiraling. Just turning sunlight into something useful. [Low voice, rhythmic] Meanwhile… I’m over here unraveling because Karen… didn’t like… my Instagram post. [Louder, sarcastic] Yeah, Karen! I noticed! [Soft voice] Here’s the kicker. This plant? This plant probably has more followers than me on TikTok. Plants are influencers now. A fern… a fern is telling you how to live your best life. ‘Be more grounded,’ it says. ‘Stay hydrated.’ And I’m sitting there, watching this succulent live its dream while my life? Is held together by coffee and existential dread. The only time I’m grounded? Is when my Wi-Fi dies. [Pause, intensity rising] And I bet… I bet this ficus is judging me. Yeah, you’re judging me, aren’t you? Strong, silent type. No dread, no panic. Just… photosynthesis. I’d ask you, but I know you won’t answer. Just another silent observer in my life. [Scoffs] Great. [Urgent] I tried to meditate the other day. Yeah, clear your mind. They said. Three seconds in—three seconds—my brain’s like, ‘Hey, remember that awkward thing you said in 2006?’ Thanks, brain. Always keeping me humble. But this ficus? [Taps something lightly] Zen. Pure Zen. All day. Just… standing there, at peace. [Quieter, serious tone] Meanwhile, we’re out here, running around, trying to save the planet, to fix climate change, end world hunger—big problems, heavy problems. And this plant? It’s already contributing. Pumping out oxygen, no thanks necessary. Me? I tried to contribute once… donated some clothes. Gave away my favorite hoodie by accident. Hah well, it happens. And then there’s trees. We used to think trees were boring, right? Just standing around, doing their thing. But now? Now we know. They talk. Whole root networks, deep connections underground. Tree Tinder, swiping right on this oak. [Laughs darkly] Can you imagine? [intensity increasing] So yeah, moral of the story? If you want a drama-free life, just be a plant. No bad Tinder dates. No awkward Zoom meetings. No existential crises at 3 AM. Just photosynthesis, inner peace, and a whole lot of… oxygen. Huh.