[Intro] Soul... [Verse 1] I light another joint just to quiet down my head, Tell myself it's only weed, then I lose another day instead, Ash falling on my shirt, missed calls lighting up my phone, Everybody thinks I'm chilling, they don't know I feel alone. Then the cocaine hits the table, and I'm back to making choices, Rubbing powder on my gums while I ignore those familiar voices In my head that keep on asking, "What the fuck are you doing, man?" I got answers for everybody, but I don't know who I am. I keep saying that I'm good, I keep saying I can stop, Keep pretending I can quit whenever I decide to drop All the habits, all the lies, all the shit I hide away, But tomorrow keeps on coming and tomorrow's still the same. I see my mother's name pop up, let the phone ring out, 'Cause I know she'll hear the difference if I let her hear me now, I hate knowing that she's worried, hate the person I've become, Hate that getting through the day means finding something to numb. [Chorus] I hate what I love, I love what I hate, Keep digging my own grave, then complain about the place, I say, "It is what it is," like that settles everything, But it doesn't stop the cravings or the damage that they bring. I hate what I love, and I hate what it's done, I keep chasing some relief, but the relief never comes, Everybody sees the addict, I remember who I was, And I'm scared that I'll forget him if I keep doing what I love. [Verse 2] Some days it's weed, some days it's powder, Some days I can't sit alone with my thoughts for an hour, I keep changing what I reach for, but the reason stays the same, I don't wanna feel the hurt, so I keep feeding it the blame. Then the needles enter the picture, and the fear becomes a fact, Something I swore I'd never touch is something I can't take back, I won't dress it up as freedom, won't pretend that I'm in charge, When the gap between my promises and actions grows this large. I look down and feel ashamed, I look up and tell a lie, Say I'm finished with this shit, then I give it one more try, Every time I say "the last time," someone hears the same old line, And I can't even blame them when they stop believing mine. I've stolen trust, I've wasted money, I've made loved ones second-guess Every "I'm okay" I give them when they ask me how depressed And exhausted I've been feeling, how I'm barely getting through, They keep looking for the person that they thought they always knew. And I miss that fucking person, but I can't say when he left, I've been bargaining with addiction till there's nothing fucking left But a room full of excuses and a head full of regret, I'm not proud of what I'm doing—I'm just not free of it yet. [Chorus] I hate what I love, I love what I hate, Keep digging my own grave, then complain about the place, I say, "It is what it is," like that settles everything, But it doesn't stop the cravings or the damage that they bring. I hate what I love, and I hate what it's done, I keep chasing some relief, but the relief never comes, Everybody sees the addict, I remember who I was, And I'm scared that I'll forget him if I keep doing what I love. [Bridge] Don't call it a party, don't call it getting wild, You don't see the nights I'm terrified to look my family in the eyes, You don't see the guilt that follows every promise that I break, Or the way I start to hate myself for every choice I make. I know these drugs aren't loving me, I know they don't give a damn, They don't care about my future, don't care who I could've been, I can't blame them for my choices, can't pretend I'm innocent, But there's more to me than every bad decision I've committed. I need help, but saying that feels harder than a lie, 'Cause admitting I can't handle it means facing what's inside, I don't know how this story ends, I don't know how to change, I'm just tired of being trapped inside a life I helped create. [Final Chorus] I hate what I love, I love what I hate, I'm tired of watching everything I care about escape, I say, "It is what it is," but I know that's not the truth, It's a phrase I use to hide from what I'm putting myself through. I hate what I love, and I hate what it's done, I can't get back the trust I've lost or days that came and went, I'm an addict, I'm a person, I'm responsible for shit, But I'm more than my addiction, even if I can't beat it.
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