さらば

(English & Korean translations follow) ―――――――――――――――― お前は自分が変わってると言って 俺は自分が変わってると言った 俺たちは輪の外に 小さな世界を作ったんだ 奇妙な歌ばかり聴いて 変な本を貸し合った お前は俺とずいぶん違ってたけど あいつらよりずっと近かった 今日はあの頃の姿が 昨日のように鮮やかだ 耳が痛いほどアンプを上げて 手が痛いほどギター鳴らして 腹が痛いほど笑い合って 胸が痛いほど踊ったんだ 頭が痛いほど残酷な日々でも 足が痛いほど一緒に走ったろ お前はどうしてひとりきりで 胸が痛いほど泣いていたんだ お前は自分が忙しいと言って 俺は自分が忙しいと言った 俺たちはこの世界の中で それぞれの世界を生きていった たまにラインを交わして ときどき酒を酌み交わした お前は俺とよく似てたけど あいつらより少し遠かったのかもな 今日はお前の姿が 昨日見たみたいに鮮やかだ 耳が痛いほど叫び散らして 手が痛いほど殴り壊して 腹が痛いほどお前は飲んで 胸が痛いほど踊ったんだ 頭が痛いほど地獄みたいな日々で 肩がだんだん落ちていくのに 俺はどうしてそんなお前に 胸が痛いほど気づけずにいたんだ 俺の愚痴に付き合ってくれてたお前は ある一冊の本を教えてくれた どうしてあの時気づかなかったんだ お前の口からすぐに出た本のタイトルが 本当はお前自身の話だったと バカみたいなINFPの話を聞いて 一緒に悩んでくれたお前の 「ちなみにおれはINFJだよね」が 勇気を出して差し出したSOSだったのか パラダイスワールドなんて作らなきゃよかった お前に聞かせたこともないのに 余計なことをした気がする 無駄な罪悪感ばかりが刺さる 「誕生日おめでとう」っていう長いラインに 「サンキューｗ」一言だけ返した俺は最低だ プロフィールのお前は今も笑ってる クソ野郎、もう一度会って俺の前で笑ってくれよ お前だけのための完璧な世界で 痛みもなく過ごせてるかい? 俺はうんと後から行くから 長い長い間待っててくれよ バカ野郎… ―――――――――――――――― # Farewell (Saraba) You said that you were weird, I said that I was weird too. Outside the circle, the two of us built a little world of our own. We listened to nothing but strange songs, we traded odd books back and forth. You were so different from me, yet so much closer than any of them. Today the way we were back then is vivid, like it was yesterday. We cranked the amps till my ears ached, we played the guitars till my hands ached, we laughed together till my belly ached, we danced till my heart ached. Even in days so cruel my head ached, we ran side by side till our feet ached— so why were you, all on your own, crying till your heart ached? You said that you were busy, I said that I was busy too. Inside this same world, the two of us lived out separate worlds of our own. Once in a while we'd trade a message, now and then we'd share a drink. You were so much like me, yet maybe a little farther than any of them. Today the sight of you is vivid, as clear as if I'd seen you yesterday. We screamed till my ears ached, we smashed it all apart till my hands ached, you drank till your belly ached, we danced till my heart ached. In days like hell, so bad my head ached, your shoulders kept sinking lower and lower— so why was it I never noticed you, till my heart ached? You, who always sat through my whining, told me about a certain book one day. Why couldn't I tell, back then— that the title slipping straight from your lips was really a story about you? You heard out my pathetic INFP rambling, worried it through right there beside me, and your "by the way, I'm an INFJ, aren't I"— was that a rescue signal you held out, working up the courage? I wish I'd never made that paradise world. I never even let you hear it, yet it feels like I did something needless, nothing but useless guilt cuts into me. To your long message saying "happy birthday," I fired back just "thanks lol"—I'm the lowest. In your profile you're still smiling wide. You bastard—meet me again and smile right in front of me. In that perfect world made just for you, are you getting by without any pain? I'll be coming a long, long time from now, so you'll have to wait a long, long while for me. You fool… ―――――――――――――――― # 잘 가라 (Saraba) 넌 너가 특이하다 했고 난 내가 특이하다 했어 우린 무리 밖에 작은 세계를 만들었지 괴상한 노래들을 듣고 별난 책들을 주고받았어 너는 나와 많이 달랐지만 그들보다는 아주 가까웠지 오늘은 그 때 모습이 어제처럼 선명하구나 귀가 아프도록 앰프를 켜고 손이 아프도록 기타를 켰어 배가 아프도록 우린 웃었고 가슴 아프도록 춤을 추었지 머리 아프도록 잔혹한 삶이라도 두발 아프도록 함께 뛰었잖아 너는 왜 그렇게 혼자서 가슴 아프도록 울고 있었니 넌 너가 바쁘다고 했고 난 내가 바쁘다고 했어 우린 이 세상속에 각자의 세계를 살아갔지 드문드문 라인을 주고받고 가끔씩 술 한잔 나눴어 너는 나와 아주 닮았지만 그들보다 조금 멀었나봐 오늘은 너의 모습이 어제본듯 선명하구나 귀가 아프도록 소리 질렀고 손이 아프도록 때려 부셨고 배가 아프도록 너는 마시고 가슴 아프도록 춤을 추었지 머리 아프도록 지옥같은 삶에 어깨 점점 쳐져가는 것을 나는 왜 그렇게 너를 가슴 아프도록 모르고 있었나 내 고민 들어주던 너는 어떤 책을 하나 알려줬어 왜 그때 난 몰랐을까 네 입에서 바로 나온 책의 이름 사실 너의 이야기였음을 머저리같은 INFP의 이야기를 함께 고민해 주던 너의 "난 사실 INFJ야" 가 용기내어 건넨 구조신호였을까 파라다이스월드 따위 만들지 말 걸 그랬어 너에게 들려준 적도 없지만 괜한 짓을 한 것 같아 쓸데없는 죄책감만 사무쳐 생일축하한다는 너의 긴 라인에 생큐ㅋㅋ 달랑 보내놓은 난 최저야 프로필에 너는 아직도 활짝 웃고있어 개자식아 다시 만나 내앞에서 웃어줘 너만을 위한 완벽한 세상에서 아픔없이 잘 보내고 있지? 나는 많이 늦게 갈거니까 오래오래 기다려야 할거다 바보자식… ―――――――――――――――― Lyrics by K.H (846uto) Dedicated to Yu