[]Verse 1] I enter the bar like a Walmart Thor Trip on the rug, crash straight to the floor Everyone cheers like I meant to do that So I bow like a drunk aristocrat [Chorus] Welcome to the Blackout Olympics, baby Gold medal in “Decisions Made Shady” Tomorrow‑me’s screaming “WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!” But tonight I’m fueled by chaos and stupid [Verse 2 — Tube Man Edition] I’m juggling shots like a tube man in a cape Flailing my arms in a wobbly noodle shape I try to high‑five someone walking by Miss completely and slap a random guy I slip on beer like a banana peel Spin three times like a breakdance wheel Crowd goes wild like I planned the stunt But I’m just vibing with zero frontal lobe input [Pre‑Chorus] My balance is gone, my dignity too But the crowd keeps chanting “GO, YOU FOOL, GO YOU!” [Chorus] Welcome to the Blackout Olympics, baby Gold medal in “Decisions Made Shady” Tomorrow‑me’s screaming “WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!” But tonight I’m fueled by chaos and stupid [Verse 3 — Tube‑Man Physics Edition] I’m wobbling around like a tube man in a storm Arms whipping wild in a bendy noodle form I try to strike a pose but I fold in half Crowd’s losing it, giving me a victory laugh I order a drink called “Disaster Deluxe” It hits my system fast and my posture sucks I sway so hard I nearly take out a tree Guess that’s the price of Olympic glory for me [Bridge — Tube‑Man Physics Edition] I’m wobbling through the room like a tube man in a gale Arms whipping everywhere like I’m built to fail The floor tilts sideways but I still won’t fall I’m flailing like a champion in the drunk‑noodle brawl I sway so hard I nearly take out the band They dodge like pros — guess they understand I’m bending, twisting, flopping with pride Still going for gold in the wobbly‑limb ride [Final Chorus] Welcome to the Blackout Olympics, baby Gold medal in “Decisions Made Shady” Tomorrow‑me’s waking up in a bush But tonight I’m unstoppable — chaos in a rush [Outro] If tomorrow‑me survives this spree He’ll swear off drinking permanently But tonight I’m legendary, stupid, and free So good luck as I stand up and try to pee.
