[Intro] Two bowls. Same table. Bad idea. [SOBA] Let's make this quick. Soba. Clean. Sharp. Simple. Nothing to hide. [UDON] Nothing to eat, either. [SOBA] Here we go. [UDON] Every time I eat soba, I finish the bowl and start looking for dinner. [SOBA] Your stomach has the standards of a garbage truck. [UDON] Your noodles look like wet shoelaces. [SOBA] Have you seen udon? That's not a noodle. That's an extension cord floating in soup. [UDON] Better than eating a handful of brown wires. [SOBA] It's buckwheat. [UDON] It's depressing. [SOBA] It's sophisticated. [UDON] It's fucking beige. [Instrumental] [UDON] Udon. Thick. Smooth. Chewy. You bite it, it bites back. That's a noodle. [SOBA] That's a seat belt. [UDON] Jealous? [SOBA] Concerned. Lunch shouldn't require jaw training. [UDON] At least mine has texture. Your soba gives up the second it hits water. [SOBA] Udon has no flavor. It just waits for the broth to do all the work. [UDON] Soba needs wasabi to develop a personality. [SOBA] Take that back. [UDON] Without wasabi, you're chewing an old tatami mat. [SOBA] You son of a— [Chorus] SOBA OR UDON PICK YOUR SIDE THIN AND PROUD THICK AND WIDE SOBA OR UDON MAKE YOUR CLAIM SOBA UDON SOBA UDON NOBODY HERE WILL FUCKING QUIT [Instrumental] [SOBA] Soba has elegance. [UDON] Oh, fuck off. [SOBA] No culture. [UDON] You put noodles on a bamboo tray and think you're a philosopher. [SOBA] You serve white cables in a bucket. [UDON] It's called a proper portion. [SOBA] Quantity isn't quality. [UDON] That's what hungry people say. [SOBA] Soba has centuries of tradition. [UDON] So does constipation. Doesn't make it good. [SOBA] That makes no sense. [UDON] Neither does paying money to leave hungry. [SOBA] Cold soba in summer. Perfect. [UDON] Cold udon. Better. [SOBA] Stop stealing everything. [UDON] You don't own summer. [SOBA] New Year's Eve. Soba. [UDON] Fine. You get one day. We'll take the rest of the year. [SOBA] You arrogant piece of dough. [UDON] You angry little twig. [Chorus] SOBA OR UDON PICK YOUR SIDE DARK AND SHARP THICK AND WIDE SOBA OR UDON DRAW THE LINE YOU KEEP YOUR BOWL I'LL KEEP MINE SOBA UDON SOBA UDON NOBODY'S CHANGING THEIR FUCKING MIND [Break] [SOBA] Enough. We need a decision. [UDON] Someone neutral. [SOBA] Director Silver Fox. [UDON] You've heard everything. [SOBA] Soba. [UDON] Udon. [SOBA] Choose. [Silence] [SILVER FOX] Me? Ramen.
