[Intro] Officer, I need to file a report against my brain. It keeps changing its statement. [Verse 1] I sat at the desk with my hands in my lap, Said, “Something in here keeps arranging a trap.” The clerk said, “Who?” I said, “Me, I suppose—” My thought cut in: “Objection. That’s not how it goes.” It pulled up a chair in the back of my skull, Said, “I’m not your thought, I’m your counsel, you fool.” I said, “You just told me to hide all my keys.” It said, “That’s hearsay. You can’t prove it was me.” [Chorus] My head said, “Lawyer!” I said, “You’re a thought!” It said, “I plead the fifth.” The cop said, “You’re not—” My head said, “Lawyer!” I said, “This is my brain!” It changed its whole story and did it again. Who’s on the record? Nobody knows. Who’s in the room? Everybody’s my own. My head said, “Lawyer!” I said, “Sit your ass down!” It objected so hard that the lights went out. [Verse 2] “State your name.” “I’m a worry.” “Your occupation?” “Freelance disaster with no health insurance.” “Where were you Tuesday?” “At home, being wise.” Then it leaned over: “We were casing the skies.” I said, “That’s a lie.” It said, “Define ‘we.’” The officer blinked like he’d heard that from me. “Did you plan the whole mess?” “I planned a small snack.” “Then why’s there a gavel in your emotional stack?” My thought yelled, “Counsel!” I said, “There is no court!” It said, “Then why’s your inner judge wearing shorts?” I asked for a witness. It called my old fear. He showed up late with a clipboard and beer. [Chorus] My head said, “Lawyer!” I said, “You’re a thought!” It said, “I plead the fifth.” The cop said, “You’re not—” My head said, “Lawyer!” I said, “This is my brain!” It changed its whole story and did it again. Who’s on the record? Nobody knows. Who’s in the room? Everybody’s my own. My head said, “Lawyer!” I said, “Sit your ass down!” It objected so hard that the lights went out. [Bridge] “Do you swear to tell the truth?” “Which version?” “Ma’am, please.” “I can’t testify against myself— I’m also the jury.” [Verse 3] The cop said, “Ma’am, you’re alone in this station.” My thought said, “Wrong. I demand separation.” “From who?” “From her.” “You’re inside her head.” “Then I need a new room and a better-paid bed.” I signed the complaint; it crossed out my name. Wrote “Unknown Defendant,” then blamed me the same. The judge was my conscience, in cheap reading glasses, Said, “Case dismissed—unless the panic amends it.” I asked, “Amends what?” It said, “The whole plot.” Then served me a subpoena addressed to my thoughts. They filed an appeal from the left side of my brain. I stamped it “Denied.” They appealed it again. [Final Chorus] My head said, “Lawyer!” I said, “You’re a thought!” It said, “I plead the fifth.” The cop said, “You’re not—” My head said, “Lawyer!” I said, “This is my brain!” It changed its whole story and did it again. Who’s on the record? Nobody knows. Who’s in the room? Everybody’s my own. My head said, “Lawyer!” I said, “Sit your ass down!” It objected so hard that the lights went out. [Outro] “Any final statement?” “Yes. I’d like a new brain.” “Denied.” “Counsel?” “Appealing.”
