[Intro – Soft piano, lounge croon style] Oh Vlad... It used to be us against the world, baby... But now I just refresh Telegram and cry... [Verse 1 – Crooning like a torch song] We had our moments, didn’t we, Vlad? The smirks, the winks, that Helsinki chat... You rode a horse, shirtless and proud, While I bragged about crowds, big and loud. You hacked, I clapped. You marched, I cheered, I tweeted your praises, even when folks sneered. But now my DMs are a ghost town of pain— All I get are sanctions and Ukrainian disdain! [Chorus – full swing jazz groove] Why won’t you talk to me, Vladdy my czar? You used to FaceTime me from your tank, not a car! Is it something I said? Was it NATO’s expansion? Now I feel like a failed Russian attraction! Come back, let's plot—just one more scheme, Without your cold stare, I can't even dream! Tariffs and wars, they're just foreplay, you see— Putin, my puppet master... come back to me. [Verse 2 – bluesy, bitter tone] You’re dining with Xi now, I’ve seen the pics. Sharing dumplings while I rant on Truth Social with clicks. You cut me off, no more sweet deals— While I’m stuck here writing love letters in all caps feels. They call me strong, they call me bold, But without your love, my steak goes cold. I built walls, I banned, I faked a tan— But none of it worked, you ghosted your man! [Bridge – dramatic key change, almost tearful] Did NATO come between us? Was it Zelensky’s sass? You once said I was alpha—now you won't even pass A comment, a wink, not a single sly grin, I’m left with indictments... and no Kremlin within. [Final Chorus – gospel backup singers, overly emotional] Why won’t you talk to me, comrade supreme? You left me on read—was it all just a meme? I miss your cold logic, your shady reply... Now I'm spiraling down like a MAGA guy cry. Oh Vladdy, dear Vladdy, don’t leave me behind, Our bromance was epic, disturbingly blind. If loving you’s treason, then I’ll take the fall— Just answer my call… or unblock me, that’s all. [Outro – whispering like a rejected lover] I'll be at Mar-a-Lago… waiting. Beside my golden phone… Tinfoil hat… and all.
