[Verse 1] I walked into the greenhouse just to escape the summer heat And there stood dear Miss Hoggins with a prize that can’t be beat! She had her gardening gloves right on, her apron tied up tight And what she held between her hands was a magnificent sight! It was long and green and bumpy, and it had a mighty girth, The finest piece of produce ever pulled out of the earth! I clutched my chest, I dropped my shears, I let out quite a shout: "Oh dear, Miss Hoggins, tell me what this business is about!" [Chorus] Oh dear, what are you doing with that cucumber, Miss Hoggins? It’s big enough to knock the socks right off of Mr. Loggins! You’re holding it so firmly, and you’re giving it a squeeze, You’ll cause a blooming scandal and you'll bring us to our knees! It’s a champion grower, yes, it’s grand beyond belief, But put it back upon the vine before we call the chief! [Verse 2] She winked at me and whispered, "Oh, there is no need to fret, I’m entering the village fair and haven't won it yet! It takes a lot of polish and it takes a lot of care, To get a prize-crop vegetable as long as this one here! I like to keep it wet and I like to keep it warm, To make sure that it doesn't bend or lose its lovely form!" The vicar poked his head in, and he gave a massive gasp, At the terrifying object that Miss Hoggins had in grasp! [Chorus] Oh dear, what are you doing with that cucumber, Miss Hoggins? It’s big enough to knock the socks right off of Mr. Loggins! You’re holding it so firmly, and you’re giving it a squeeze, You’ll cause a blooming scandal and you'll bring us to our knees! It’s a champion grower, yes, it’s grand beyond belief, But put it back upon the vine before we call the chief! [Bridge] (Piano goes wild, tempo speeds up into a frantic chase) It's a funny way to polish up a giant green cucumber, It’s a method that the village folk have never seen before! For Miss Hoggins on her knees is causing quite a local slumber, As she smiles and softly groans upon the muddy garden floor! The village wives are whispering behind the garden wall They say Miss Hoggins' salad greens are much too big and tall! She says it’s all organic, but the neighborhood agrees, There’s something very fishy going on among the peas! [Verse 3] The vicar called on Tuesday for a quiet cup of tea,And found her stripping marrow bark beneath the willow tree.He dropped his silver teaspoon,And he blushed a crimson red,As she offered him a sampleOf her giant onion bed!The village wives are peeking through the curtains in a huff,They claim Miss Hoggins' root crops have a strange, aggressive fluff!She swears it’s just the fertilizer, plain as you can please,But the vicar’s saying extra prayers for safety on his knees! [Final Chorus] Oh dear, what are you doing with that cucumber, Miss Hoggins? It’s big enough to knock the socks right off of Mr. Loggins! You’re holding it so firmly, and you’re giving it a squeeze, You’ll cause a blooming scandal and you'll bring us to our knees! It’s a champion grower, yes, it’s grand beyond belief, But put it back upon the vine before we call the chief! [Outro] (Sound of a glass smashing, a slide whistle, and an outraged gasp) Honestly, Miss Hoggins... In a public greenhouse?! Have some decency! (Sudden brass band blast)
