[Intro – immediate violent punk riff, pounding drums, filthy bass] [Verse 1 – fast snarling female punk vocal] Nice little garden, nice little day, Paula on the lead just sniffing away. Flowers by the fence, chairs on the lawn, Everything normal— then something goes wrong. Red little hat. Painted little face. Ceramic bastard staring into space. Paula stops dead. One paw in the air. Looks at the gnome. Gnome doesn't care. She takes one step. I know that look. “Paula, leave it.” Too late. One little nudge with the end of her nose— [CRASHING GUITAR HIT] AND DOWN THE FUCKER GOES! [Pre-Chorus – accelerating shout-singing] She freezes. Looks at me. Looks back down. Then slowly lifts her head— There are fifteen more spread across the fucking garden. [Growled shout] OH FUCK. [Chorus – explosive hardcore punk vocal] PAULA! PUT THE FUCKING GNOME DOWN! PAULA! STOP THROWING SHIT AROUND! RED HATS! WHITE BEARDS! CERAMIC BODIES ON THE GROUND! IT'S THE GARDEN GNOME MASSACRE— AND SHE'S NOT FUCKING DONE! [Fast jagged riff] [Verse 2 – rapid aggressive shout-rap] NUMBER TWO BESIDE THE FLOWERS! NUMBER THREE BEHIND A POT! NUMBER FOUR JUST LOST HIS FISHING ROD! NUMBER FIVE'S ABOUT TO DROP! SIX GOES DOWN! SEVEN FALLS! EIGHT GETS FLIPPED AGAINST THE WALL! NINE SURVIVES THE FIRST ATTACK— [Harsh shout] SHE FUCKING DOUBLES BACK! I'm chasing Paula through the roses, someone's yelling from the door, Tiny ceramic casualties are scattered on the floor! One loses a fucking wheelbarrow! One gets buried in the mint! One is face-down in a flowerpot! Paula hasn't even blinked! [Pre-Chorus – frantic] She doesn't know they're decorations! She doesn't fucking care! Every painted little bastard made the mistake of being there! [Chorus – heavier] PAULA! PUT THE FUCKING GNOME DOWN! PAULA! THAT ONE WAS ALREADY DOWN! RED HATS! WHITE BEARDS! LITTLE BOOTS ALL OVER TOWN! IT'S THE GARDEN GNOME MASSACRE— SOMEBODY STOP HER NOW! [Instrumental Break – frantic hardcore punk riff, pounding drums] [Bridge – heavy half-time riff, low raspy vocal] Finally catch her. Grab the lead. Survey the battlefield. Broken hats. Upturned pots. One survivor by the wheelie bins. I pick him up. Dust him off. Set him gently by the wall. Paula's breathing hard beside me. Maybe that's the end of— [Music stops] She sees him. [Heavy guitar hit] He sees nothing. He's ceramic. [Low growl] Doesn't matter. [Drums explode] [Extended Fast Shout-Rap] PAULA HITS THE GROUND RUNNING! I'M ALREADY ON THE LEAD! LAST GNOME STANDING BY THE WALL AND SHE'S PICKING UP SPEED! I'M DIGGING BOTH MY FUCKING HEELS IN! SHE'S PULLING LIKE A TRAIN! SIXTEEN BROTHERS DOWN BEHIND HIM! HE'S THE LAST ONE IN THE GAME! TWO MORE FEET! ONE MORE FOOT! LITTLE FUCKER'S LOOKING COOKED! PAULA STRETCHES! TEETH OUT FRONT! [Harsh scream] SOMEBODY SAVE THE FUCKING CUNT! I YANK HER BACK! SHE MISSES HIM! THE LITTLE BASTARD GETS TO LIVE! ONE SURVIVOR! FIFTEEN DOWN! [Growled shout] TAKE THE FUCKING WIN! [Breakdown – crushing punk rhythm] No remorse. No surrender. No idea what she just did. [Final Chorus – massive scream-sung punk vocal] PAULA! LEAVE THE FUCKING GNOMES ALONE! PAULA! WE ARE NEVER COMING BACK! RED HATS! WHITE BEARDS! TOTAL FUCKING AFTERMATH! THE GARDEN GNOME MASSACRE! FIFTEEN DOWN! ONE SURVIVED! NOT THROUGH MERCY— [Harsh shout] I JUST GOT TO PAULA IN FUCKING TIME! [Final frantic riff] [Outro – breathless melodic vocal] Get her in the car. Close the door. Look back at the lawn. Last gnome standing. Paula sees him through the window. [Final growled shout] DON'T.
