[Intro] (Safe as houses) (Waste not, want not, Gaz) (Is that Great Aunt Sheila or a Large Saveloy?) [Old School Boom Bap Beat with a Sizzling Sound] [Record Scratch] [Verse 1] Times are hard in Newport, the gas bill is a joke So Bryn found a way to help the grieving local folk He bought a derelict chippy and a furnace from a skip Now he’s offering a service that’ll give your heart a flip "Why waste the heat?" he shouted from the counter of the shop "While I’m burning off your relatives, the fat is going pop!" He’s breadcrumbing the bereaved for a cheeky little fee And serving up the ashes with a side of mushy pea I went in for a scallop and a prayer for Uncle Dan And ended up with some batter on a very crispy man [Chorus] It’s the Deep-Fried Funeral, the best deal in the town We’re lowering the casket while the temperature goes down One Hundred Degrees for a golden-brown glow And a Three-Piece-Variety for the folks in the front row (Batter my nan) (Gravy in the urn) (You knows it) [Verse 2] The health inspector came around, looking proper suspicious He said "The smell in here is eerie, but remarkably delicious" Bryn said "That’s just the spices and a bit of elderberry" While trying to hide a pacemaker inside a pickled cherry There’s a sign upon the window saying "Special Tuesday Offer" "Bring your own coffin and we’ll fill up your coffer" For Sixty Nine Pounds and a packet of some fags We’ll put your loved one’s memories in some greasy paper bags The Vicar’s in the back room, doing lines of salt and vinegar While the choir’s getting high on the fumes of a fin-inger [Chorus] It’s the Deep-Fried Funeral, the best deal in the town We’re lowering the casket while the temperature goes down One Hundred Degrees for a golden-brown glow And a Three-Piece-Variety for the folks in the front row (Scraps on top) (Eco-friendly) (Proper tidy) [Bridge] [Beat Drop] [Slow, Menacing Bass with a Bubbling Sound] "Is this a jumbo sausage or is it Cousin Pete?" "Don't ask too many questions, just enjoy the bloody meat!" "Is that a bit of tinsel from a Christmas cremation?" "Shut up and help me with this gravy-based salvation!" (It’s a circular economy) (High-protein mourning) [Verse 3] I saw a man eating a spring roll with a look of pure dread He realized he was chewing on the contents of a bed From the local nursing home where his Father used to stay Now he’s getting Five-A-Day in a very morbid way Bryn’s got a franchise opening in Cwmbran and the Port He’s the Elon Musk of offal, or so the papers thought Until the dog from number Ten started digging in the bin And found a set of dentures and a bottle of some gin If you want a final send-off that’s crunchy and unique Visit Bryn’s Deep-Fried Funerals, open Seven days a week [Outro] (Safe as houses) (Would you like salt and vinegar on your ancestors?) (I think I’ve got a bit of hip-replacement in my teeth) [Sound of a Deep Fryer Hissing] [Beat Fades Out with a Satisfied Belch] (You knows it)
