[INTRO] Gather 'round, ye weary travelers of the information superhighway... Let me tell you a tale. A tale of riches, ruin, and... regrettable JPEGs. It concerns my buddy... Gary. [VERSE 1] Now, Gary was a simple man Worked down at the lumber yard Liked his bowling, liked his beer Didn't play life too hard Had a sensible sedan A mortgage, mostly paid Then he saw an ad online... And oh, the choices Gary made! (Yeah!) [VERSE 2] He started talking 'bout "the blockchain" (Blockchain!) And "decentralized finance" (Finance!) Said "Fiat's dead, man, it's insane! Gotta give this crypto thing a chance!" He mumbled 'bout Doge and Shiba Inu (Woof woof!) Said "HODL!" with a manic grin (HODL!) Bought something called "Fluffy Unicorn Coin" (Neigh!) That's when the madness truly set in! [PRE-CHORUS] (Vocals become more intense, almost pleading) He changed his profile pic, you see To laser eyes, a glowing red (So red!) Said "We're all gonna make it, bro!" While eating ramen noodles in his bed! (So many noodles!) He talked of Lambos, moons, and Mars Ignored his dwindling savings stack... There was no turning back! [CHORUS] Oh, Gary's got the diamond hands! (Diamond hands!) But his landlord don't understand! (No, he don't!) He bought the dip, he bought the hype! Now his diet consists of... unripe Vegetables he found outside! (GANG VOCALS - Shouted) GARY! WHERE'S YOUR FINANCIAL PRIDE?! (Main Vocal) He sold his couch for an NFT! (A stupid monkey!) Crypto Gary! Woe is he! (Woe!) [VERSE 3] (Rhythmically spoken over riff) He'd corner you down at the pub With charts that made no sense at all Talking 'bout "bull flags" and "support lines" Before tripping over a discarded ball (A bouncy ball!) He'd scream "Buy the fear!" then start to weep When his "Moonshot Token" hit the floor (Kerplunk!) His girlfriend left, took the TV Gary just mumbled "HODL more!" [BRIDGE] (Tempo slows, mock-serious, almost operatic vocals) (SOFT ACOUSTIC ARPEGGIO) We tried to stage an intervention (Oh, Gary...) With pamphlets, charts, and worried sighs (Worried sighs...) He just logged into his exchange (Clickety-clack!) With those terrifying laser eyes! (BEAM!) He screamed: "YOU PAPER-HANDED FOOLS! YOU'LL SEE! MY APE-COIN'S GOING INTERSTELLAR!" Then his phone battery died... it was tragic. He couldn't find his charger. [GUITAR SOLO] (Shouted encouragements during solo) (Go Kyle! I mean... Gary's friend!) (Shred it!)
