The Domestic Minefield

Yeah... just sittin’ on the sofa, mindin’ my own... Watching the static on the telly bone... Then she walks in, lightning in her eyes And I know, mate... I’m about to meet my demise. The air gets heavy, the saw starts to scream I’m stuck in a nightmare, a domestic dream. Look at me! Don't you dare look away! I've got some questions for you today! Is this a trap? Or is it a test? Either way, darling, you'll get no rest! "Alright, love... keep it steady..." Does this denim make my bum look far too wide? Or is there a secret you’re trying to hide? And after these years, be honest, be brave... Are my breasts still perky, or heading for the grave? Do I talk too much? Do I lose my head? Answer me clearly, or you’ll wish you were dead! Listen... it’s a minefield, innit? One wrong step and you’re blown to a digit. She asks if she’s gained a pound or two If I say 'no', she says 'you’re lying, you!'. Then she mentions the neighbor, that single bird "Isn't she lovely?" – the most dangerous word! If I agree, I’m dead. If I lie, I’m a fake. It’s a chocolate-coated, razor-wire cake. YOU HESITATED! I saw your eye twitch! You think she’s a beauty? You think I’m a witch? You think I’m my mother? You think I’ve gone round? I’ll bury your banjo six feet in the ground! I... I was just gonna say... your hair looks... ...lovely? Maybe I’ll just... go make some tea then?