[Intro] [Spoken, serious tone] "How do I phrase this..." [Briefing room silence] "We need stats. We need person searches. Move-ons. Charges. Drug detections." "And if the numbers aren't there..." "...people may find themselves explaining why." [Beat drops, upbeat tempo starts] [Verse 1] The boss stood by the PowerPoint, the graphs were glowing green She said the Region Chief was sick of looking at the scene "We know the crime is out there, boys, intelligence is sound And if the stats don't lift tonight, there’s questions going round!" She pointed to the K9 unit, sitting on the floor "Old Sarah here will help us clear the dealers from the door!" Sarah wagged her tail politely, shedding on a shoe She had absolutely no idea what she was meant to do. [Chorus] The drug dog disgraced herself, at least that's what they say! The operation wanted busts, but Sarah wanted play The drug dog disgraced herself, the handler wore the shame The only thing she left behind was steaming by the train! [Verse 2] The officers worked twelve long hours, a grueling human shift While Sarah did her standard six to give the dog a lift (Since working hounds past half a watch is cruel and out of bounds). But even in her union hours, no contraband was found! With move-ons, searches, questions asked, the cops had done a blitz Nobody feared the boss's wrath or threw any panic fits. Then someone asked the handler, "Hey, what did Sarah bring?" The handler sighed, the room went quiet... "Not a single thing." [Background crowd laughter] [Chorus] The drug dog disgraced herself, she never found a stash! No dealer, user, courier, no criminal with cash! The drug dog disgraced herself, or so the story goes The only grass she cared about was tickling her toes! [Bridge] [Music stops] [Spoken, echoey office room acoustic] [Inspector]: "Sarah, this is disappointing. Would you care to explain yourself?" [Dog]: [Loud Woof!] [Inspector]: "Your detection numbers are totally unacceptable. What exactly did you contribute to this operation?" [Heavy Silence] [Officer clears throat]: "Uh, one bowel motion, sir. Smack in the middle of platform four." [Bass drops back in heavy] [Crowd Laughter] [Final Chorus] [High Energy] The drug dog disgraced herself, statistics weren't impressed The Region wanted outcomes and the boss wanted arrests The drug dog disgraced herself, though looking back I’m sure In a night obsessed with numbers... Sarah’s output was manure! [Outro] [Tempo slows down, funky outro groove] The handler grabbed a plastic bag To scoop the evidence in view And somewhere in the monthly stats... Sarah scored a solid "number two." [Dog panting sound] [Fade out]
