How to Shuffle

[INTRO — SPOKEN] Yeah. You got your deck? Good. Now watch how I work. [FEMALE SIGNATURE TAG — ONCE] TCG MUSIC. [BEAT DROPS] [HOOK — SMOOTH, CONFIDENT] I’ll teach you how to shuffle I’ll teach you how to cut Keep them sleeves together Don’t be messing my cards up I’ll teach you how to shuffle I’ll show you how it’s done Forty, fifty, sixty cards Get ’em ready for round one Shuffle to the left Shuffle to the right Cut it down the middle Now we ready for the fight I’ll teach you how to shuffle I’ll teach you how to play But if your deck ain’t randomized We ain’t starting here today [VERSE 1 — MC 1, RELAXED SWAGGER] Walk into the shop, deck box on the table Fresh new sleeves, everything looking stable Opponent sitting down, looking ready for the match I pull the whole deck out, now he watching how I stack Hold up, not stack — gotta mix ’em up proper Mash through the sleeves, smooth like a showstopper Break it into portions, bring ’em back together Do it more than once, make the order hard to measure Don’t bend my corners, don’t crease my foils Spent too much money on these cardboard royals You riffle your commons? That’s your decision I mash my expensive ones with surgical precision Opponent want a cut? Go ahead, be my guest Nothing in the order that I’m trying to protect Now the game can begin, put the deck on the mat You can shuffle like a champion, still draw five bricks back! [HOOK] I’ll teach you how to shuffle I’ll teach you how to cut Keep them sleeves together Don’t be messing my cards up I’ll teach you how to shuffle I’ll show you how it’s done Forty, fifty, sixty cards Get ’em ready for round one Shuffle to the left Shuffle to the right Cut it down the middle Now we ready for the fight [VERSE 2 — MC 2, PLAYFUL AND FLASHY] Look at the wrist, look at the motion Cards flowing smooth like waves in the ocean Fresh sleeves sliding, everything clean Whole table watching like they never seen One hand holding, other hand feeding Nice and steady, no cards leaving No face showing, no sneaking a peek You don’t get to know what you’re drawing next week My man over there got the waterfall going Cards hit the floor, now everybody knowing Judge looking over like, “What did you do?” I said, “That’s why I ain’t shuffling like you!” No magic trick, no marked position Randomizing cards is the whole mission You can show off skills, but the rule stays true Nobody should know what the next card’ll do I don’t care if your shuffle got style and grace If the order ain’t mixed, better pick up the pace Hand the deck across, opponent cuts it in two Now let’s see what them opening hands gon’ do! [HOOK — CROWD RESPONSE] I’ll teach you how to shuffle I’ll teach you how to cut Keep them sleeves together Don’t be messing my cards up I’ll teach you how to shuffle I’ll show you how it’s done Forty, fifty, sixty cards Get ’em ready for round one [VERSE 3 — MC 3, SHARP AND COCKY] Somebody at locals got a funny little habit Every time he needs a card, somehow he always grab it Says he shuffled plenty, but the order looking planned I ain’t making accusations, just reshuffle that hand Seven piles on the table, cards laid out in rows That’s counting, not enough to make the order unknown Mix it up properly, let the randomness breathe Don’t be arranging all your answers underneath You don’t need a circus, you don’t need a stage You just need a fair deck when you step inside the cage Shuffle after searching, when the rules say it’s time Make sure the whole deck’s mixed, every single time No looking at the bottom, no peeking at the top No funny little movements when you think nobody watch Real players know the deal, respect comes with the game Everybody gets a fair draw, everybody plays the same Now pass me that deck, let me finish the cut You can have all the luck, but don’t mess the shuffle up Round one getting started, everybody wants the crown Shuffle up, shake hands— LET’S GET DOWN! [BRIDGE — BEAT STRIPPED DOWN] Mash it! (Mash it!) Mix it! (Mix it!) Keep it random! (That’s the business!) Cut it! (Cut it!) Pass it! (Pass it!) Now let’s see that opening hand! You got five? I got five. You got seven? Seven. You got a brick? …Mind your business. [FINAL HOOK — FULL CREW] I’ll teach you how to shuffle I’ll teach you how to cut Keep them sleeves together Don’t be messing my cards up I’ll teach you how to shuffle I’ll show you how it’s done Forty, fifty, sixty cards Get ’em ready for round one Shuffle to the left Shuffle to the right Cut it down the middle Now we ready for the fight I’ll teach you how to shuffle I’ll teach you how to play You can shuffle like a champion— AND STILL BRICK ALL DAY! [OUTRO — SPOKEN] “Bro, you been shuffling for five minutes.” “I’m making sure it’s random.” “Well, hurry up.” “Relax. You scared?” “…You still gotta draw something good.” [LAUGHTER] [BEAT FADES]