Send To: The Sheriff

Woo-oo-ooo… Monday. 8:03 A.M. Somebody scheduled a meeting… about the meeting. This town ain’t big enough for both of us. Walked into the office with my coffee in my hand, Inbox said ninety-seven— I said, “Lord, give me a plan.” Sheriff from Accounting sent a message marked URGENT, Three-page explanation— Nothing in it was urgent. He said, “Circle back.” I said, “Circle where?” He said, “Per my last email.” Oh… Now we’re going there. Finger on the mouse, Sweat upon my brow. Could’ve let it go… But it’s too late now. CLICK. I shot the sheriff… AN EMAIL! Didn’t shoot nobody, Just hit SEND. Said, “Thanks for reaching out, As previously discussed…” That’s cowboy language for— “WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THIS.” I shot the sheriff… AN EMAIL! High noon in Microsoft Outlook again. No bullets flying, Nobody bleeds— Just seventeen people CC’d unnecessarily. Woo-oo-ooo… Email notification. DING. Aw, hell. Then Linda from Compliance came walking through the door, Said, “Quick little question.” I’d heard that lie before. She scheduled thirty minutes To discuss a two-line form, Then invited nine departments— Now there’s a thunderstorm. IT rode in yelling, “Have you restarted it?” HR whispered softly, “Let’s remain appropriate.” Legal stood silently With a notebook in their hand. Nobody knew what Legal did… But everybody changed their plans. I shot the sheriff… AN EMAIL! Didn’t draw iron, Just replied. “Please see attached.” Nothing was attached. … DAMMIT. Sent another: “Please see attached to my previous email.” Now I’ve fired twice. At exactly 11:59… the sheriff appeared at the other end of the cubicle aisle. He stared at me. I stared at him. He slowly reached toward his keyboard. I reached toward mine. Then he typed the deadliest words known to corporate America: “Can we hop on a quick call?” Silence. No. He sent a Teams invite, I declined at twelve. He moved it to one. I declined that as well. Two o’clock. Declined. Three o’clock. Declined. Four o’clock— Tentative. … Dang it. He got me. VERSION FINAL! FINAL TWO! FINAL FINAL! FINAL FINAL USE THIS ONE! I shot the sheriff… AN EMAIL! At high noon on company Wi-Fi. Said, “Just following up on the follow-up regarding the follow-up from July.” I shot the sheriff… AN EMAIL! Then rode into the sunset at five. No smoking gun. No outlaw trail. Just an automatic reply saying: “I AM CURRENTLY OUT OF THE OFFICE WITH LIMITED ACCESS TO EMAIL.” So remember, partner, when trouble comes riding through your office door… Keep your coffee hot, your calendar blocked, and never— ever— hit Reply All. Woo-oo-ooo… “Just bumping this to the top of your inbox.”