My Best Friend Richard

Lo-fi stoner indie rock with a smoky, laid-back groove, crunchy garage guitars, warm fuzzy bass, loose live drums, and a slightly slurred male vocal, Dry, deadpan delivery with clever adult humor, dirty double entendres, sarcastic punchlines, and conversational storytelling, Catchy melodic chorus, understated harmonies, occasional spoken asides, and a hazy late-night barroom atmosphere, Funny without sounding goofy—more clever asshole than cartoon character

V5.5

[Intro]
My best friend Richard Thruston,
Dick for short—what a coincidence.
He's not a bad guy, he's just proof
That poor decisions can become a lifestyle.
[Oh, Richard...]
[Here we go.]

[Verse 1]
Richard got caught at two AM
With a laundry bag behind the neighbor's fence.
He said, "Those panties aren't what you think."
Then Grandma yelled, "THEY'RE MINE, YOU LITTLE PRICK!"
[Ohhh, shit!]

Turns out Dick had picked the wrong house,
Wrong woman, wrong underwear, wrong time.
He tried to hand them back with dignity—
Grandma said, "Boy, you ain't taking dignity with you tonight."
[That's rough, Dick.]

[Chorus]
That's my best friend Richard Thruston,
Dick when the introductions get brief,
He's got the moral compass of a shopping cart
And the survival instincts of a thief.
[No brakes!]

Every bad idea looks better
When Richard's wearing that grin,
He doesn't learn from his mistakes—
He just finds a dirtier way to do 'em again.
[Same Dick, different day.]

[Verse 2]
He stole some gum from his father's room,
Thought he'd scored himself a piece of minty loot.
Chewed it awhile, said, "Damn, this stuff is strong."
Dad said, "That's nicotine, genius. Put it down."
[Oh, that's not Juicy Fruit.]

"Dad, you said you were quitting smoking."
"I am."
"Then why'd you buy smoking gum?"
"To quit."
Richard thought about it, then said,
"That's the dumbest smart thing I've ever heard."
[He's got a point... kinda.]

He handed it back, looking slightly green.
Dad said, "Don't steal shit you haven't read."
Richard said, "Fair enough."
Then stole the TV remote instead.
[Progress!]

[Verse 3]
Richard once asked where babies came from.
I explained it carefully, tried to keep it clean.
He nodded like a professor, then asked,
So they come out the ass?
You came out the ass—Dick! (chuckle)
[Got 'em.]

I said, "No, Richard."
He said, "Then what's the ass for?"
I said, "We're changing the subject."
He said, "That's probably why I failed biology."
[Probably?]

His mother finally explained the facts,
Richard stared at the floor.
Then he whispered, "Honestly...
I liked the ass theory more."
[Can't argue with commitment.]

[Verse 4]
Richard had the hots for his teacher,
Thought she was perfect, top to bottom.
Then found out she was trans
And suddenly Richard had a lot of questions.
[Plot twist.]

I said, "You still think she's beautiful?"
He said, "Obviously."
"Then what's the problem?"
He said, "Apparently my type
Has more plot twists than I expected."
[Fair enough.]

Next morning he wore cologne to class.
I said, "You nervous?"
He said, "Nope. Educated."
[Look at Dick, learning.]

[Verse 5]
Richard brought a girl home from the bar,
Woke up with lipstick on his car.
It said, "CALL ME."
He stared at it and said,
"Shit... I don't remember her name."
[That's gonna be awkward.]

Found a bra beneath his bed,
Called me like he'd discovered evidence.
"Bro, I've got a problem."
"Whose bra is it?"
"I don't know."
"Then why are you whispering?"
"...Because my girlfriend's asking."
[Oh, Dick...]

[Bridge]
Richard's three rules:

Never admit you're wrong.
[Rule one.]
Never ask questions you don't want answered.
[Rule two.]
And never steal underwear
Without checking the size first.
[Rule three... apparently.]

[Verse 6]
He once tried cooking dinner for a date,
Burned the steak and shattered a plate.
She asked, "Do you cook often?"
He said, "Only when I'm trying to get laid."
[Subtle, Richard.]

She laughed. "At least you're honest."
Richard said, "That's my second-best quality."
[What's the first?]
She stayed for dinner.
Richard called it romance.
I called it surviving the evening.
[Close call.]

[Final Chorus]
That's my best friend Richard Thruston,
Dick by name, Dick by reputation,
A walking bad decision
With excellent conversational timing.
[He's a professional.]

He steals Grandma's underwear,
Chews his father's quitting gum,
Thinks babies exit through the ass,
And somehow still gets some.
[How?!]

He's not exactly stupid,
Just confidently incorrect.
If common sense were sex,
Richard'd still be trying to figure out where it goes.
[Jesus, Dick.]

[Outro]
Richard once said,
"Everybody makes mistakes."

I said, "Yeah, but most people
Don't keep the evidence."

He looked toward the laundry basket.
[Don't do it...]

"...Those aren't mine."

"Richard."

"...Probably."
[There he goes.]

[Lazy guitar riff fades]
[Hahaha...]
[My best friend Richard...]
[Goddamn, Dick.]

[Lazy guitar riff fades]

4421/7500

[Intro] My best friend Richard Thruston, Dick for short—what a coincidence. He's not a bad guy, he's just proof That poor decisions can become a lifestyle. [Oh, Richard...] [Here we go.] [Verse 1] Richard got caught at two AM With a laundry bag behind the neighbor's fence. He said, "Those panties aren't what you think." Then Grandma yelled, "THEY'RE MINE, YOU LITTLE PRICK!" [Ohhh, shit!] Turns out Dick had picked the wrong house, Wrong woman, wrong underwear, wrong time. He tried to hand them back with dignity— Grandma said, "Boy, you ain't taking dignity with you tonight." [That's rough, Dick.] [Chorus] That's my best friend Richard Thruston, Dick when the introductions get brief, He's got the moral compass of a shopping cart And the survival instincts of a thief. [No brakes!] Every bad idea looks better When Richard's wearing that grin, He doesn't learn from his mistakes— He just finds a dirtier way to do 'em again. [Same Dick, different day.] [Verse 2] He stole some gum from his father's room, Thought he'd scored himself a piece of minty loot. Chewed it awhile, said, "Damn, this stuff is strong." Dad said, "That's nicotine, genius. Put it down." [Oh, that's not Juicy Fruit.] "Dad, you said you were quitting smoking." "I am." "Then why'd you buy smoking gum?" "To quit." Richard thought about it, then said, "That's the dumbest smart thing I've ever heard." [He's got a point... kinda.] He handed it back, looking slightly green. Dad said, "Don't steal shit you haven't read." Richard said, "Fair enough." Then stole the TV remote instead. [Progress!] [Verse 3] Richard once asked where babies came from. I explained it carefully, tried to keep it clean. He nodded like a professor, then asked, So they come out the ass? You came out the ass—Dick! (chuckle) [Got 'em.] I said, "No, Richard." He said, "Then what's the ass for?" I said, "We're changing the subject." He said, "That's probably why I failed biology." [Probably?] His mother finally explained the facts, Richard stared at the floor. Then he whispered, "Honestly... I liked the ass theory more." [Can't argue with commitment.] [Verse 4] Richard had the hots for his teacher, Thought she was perfect, top to bottom. Then found out she was trans And suddenly Richard had a lot of questions. [Plot twist.] I said, "You still think she's beautiful?" He said, "Obviously." "Then what's the problem?" He said, "Apparently my type Has more plot twists than I expected." [Fair enough.] Next morning he wore cologne to class. I said, "You nervous?" He said, "Nope. Educated." [Look at Dick, learning.] [Verse 5] Richard brought a girl home from the bar, Woke up with lipstick on his car. It said, "CALL ME." He stared at it and said, "Shit... I don't remember her name." [That's gonna be awkward.] Found a bra beneath his bed, Called me like he'd discovered evidence. "Bro, I've got a problem." "Whose bra is it?" "I don't know." "Then why are you whispering?" "...Because my girlfriend's asking." [Oh, Dick...] [Bridge] Richard's three rules: Never admit you're wrong. [Rule one.] Never ask questions you don't want answered. [Rule two.] And never steal underwear Without checking the size first. [Rule three... apparently.] [Verse 6] He once tried cooking dinner for a date, Burned the steak and shattered a plate. She asked, "Do you cook often?" He said, "Only when I'm trying to get laid." [Subtle, Richard.] She laughed. "At least you're honest." Richard said, "That's my second-best quality." [What's the first?] She stayed for dinner. Richard called it romance. I called it surviving the evening. [Close call.] [Final Chorus] That's my best friend Richard Thruston, Dick by name, Dick by reputation, A walking bad decision With excellent conversational timing. [He's a professional.] He steals Grandma's underwear, Chews his father's quitting gum, Thinks babies exit through the ass, And somehow still gets some. [How?!] He's not exactly stupid, Just confidently incorrect. If common sense were sex, Richard'd still be trying to figure out where it goes. [Jesus, Dick.] [Outro] Richard once said, "Everybody makes mistakes." I said, "Yeah, but most people Don't keep the evidence." He looked toward the laundry basket. [Don't do it...] "...Those aren't mine." "Richard." "...Probably." [There he goes.] [Lazy guitar riff fades] [Hahaha...] [My best friend Richard...] [Goddamn, Dick.] [Lazy guitar riff fades]

0/500