[Intro – tense bassline builds] It’s not what it looks like. I swear on me nan. Listen, let me explain— [Verse 1 – swung, mid-pace, dense multis] Came back late from a 3-day bender Flat lookin’ tragic like it’s staged for enders Mum’s in the kitchen, face full grill Holdin’ summat pink that vibrates still Said “*You filthy sod, what's this device?*” I blinked twice, said “That’s not mine!” She said “Don’t lie,” I said “No, real talk— That belongs to Jack from the Sunday walk.” (She weren't convinced) so I spun some lore, Said “He’s depressed, it’s a therapy sort!” She said “A what?” I said “An aid for mood,” She said “Son, that’s shaped like a fanny in boots.” [Chorus – swung garage bounce, deadpan delivery] The fleshlight wasn’t mine (swear on me nan) I was just watchin’ it for my mate Dan He’s got needs and a limp in his hand So I took it in, like a kind young man It weren’t in use, just sat there idle I didn’t even touch it—hand on the Bible Mum said “Son, you’re a freak with a tan” But the fleshlight weren’t mine (swear on me nan) [Verse 2 – rapid flows, elite rhyme stacking] Now Dad walks in, tea still steam-risen Looks down, says “Son, is that prison-issued?” I panicked, coughed, dropped me brew Fleshlight buzzin’ like a kangaroo Said “It’s not plugged in!” — but it f**kin’ was Bluetooth linked to me Spotify buzz Started blarin’ out Marvin Gaye While the cat knocked it clean in Mum’s rosé Now Nan’s on FaceTime, screen goes wide She says “Is that a fake vagina by your side?” I said “It’s a cup… for protein shakes” She said “Why’s it got lips and a ribbed-out base?” [Bridge – dramatic slow-mo beat shift] This ain't what it seems, I swear by the Queen I ain’t grippin’ latex in no foul routine But the family group chat’s lightin’ up Aunt Mo says “Tell him to pipe it up” [Verse 3 – double-time sprint, stacked multis] Now me cousin screen-grabbed, whacked it on Reddit “Local lad caught slippin’ with prosthetic fetish” School group chat goin’ mad with memes They dubbed me Fleshlight Phil from the local schemes Boss at work said “Come in, we need words” HR showed pics with emojis and slurs I said “Deepfake!” — they said “Nah, that’s you, Zoom in, it’s your name on the lube bottle too.” Now I’m banned from Nando’s, blacklisted twice Can’t show face at the football nights But I still maintain, from the depths of me spine That fleshlight weren’t mine (swear down, not lyin’) [Chorus 2 – escalated, bigger delivery] The fleshlight wasn’t mine (swear on me nan) Even though it had my postcode stamped Even though I named it Sharon in jest Even though it was found in me birthday vest It’s a setup, trap, misread scene I’m a victim of tech and a hygiene queen Mum won’t hug me, Dad’s gone bland But that fleshlight weren’t mine (swear on me nan) [Outro – soft eerie pad, mumbling to self] It weren’t mine. It weren’t mine. (That ain’t even my brand)
