THE SOCK SNATCHER [Intro — whispered, sly male voice] Heh… heh… heh… You thought you heard the dryer stop? Oh, no… That was me. [Verse 1 — bouncy, mischievous] While you sleep beneath your blankets, Waiting for the morning, I creep into the laundry room And whisper, though no one can hear: I don't want your shirts or trousers, I don't want your underwear— I'm after something far more precious… Something you left abandoned there... [Manic whisper] Your left sock. [Chorus — theatrical, sinister] I steal the left sock! HA! HA! HA! HA! I steal the left sock! And nobody knows just why! You search behind the washer, You look beneath the bed, You blame the dog, you blame a cruel and unfair god— But I've got them instead! LEFT! SOCK! Gone without a trace! LEFT! SOCK! So much for your matching pair! [Manic laughter] HAHAHAHAHAHA! [Verse 2 — faster, more frantic] A thousand dryers tumble, A thousand drums beat on, And every time the cycle ends, My favorite game comes on. I wait until you're certain That every sock is there— Then plunge my arm into the heat And steal the left one buried there! I steal them when you're not looking. I count them when you sleep. I know which drawer to open. I know which socks I'll keep. Right socks? BORING! Left socks? MINE! [Chorus — louder, increasingly deranged] I steal the left sock! From every house in town! I'll make your perfect pairs Come tumbling down! Striped ones, white ones, Wool ones, blue ones too— If there's a left sock sitting there, I'll make it go "Poof!" I steal them from the baskets! I steal them from the line! I steal them while you're wearing them— THAT LEFT SOCK WILL BE MINE! [Bridge — slower, sinister, increasingly unhinged] You think it's just a sock… Just cloth… Just cotton on a string… But every pair divided Is one more victory. One lonely right foot, One empty drawer… One thousand little screams From every laundry room I haunt… And somewhere in the darkness… I have thousands more. [Quiet giggle] Heh… [Building intensity] Maybe I'll make a mountain! Maybe I'll build a throne! Maybe I'll wear them all at once And rule the world alone! No—I'll pave the streets with them! I'll stitch them into a suit! I'll make a tie from left socks And wear it just for you! I'll name each one. I'll feed each one. I'll tuck them in at night. And if you try to take them back… [Sudden shriek] I'LL PUT UP SUCH A FIGHT! [Explosive final chorus] I STEAL THE LEFT SOCK! HAHAHAHA! I STEAL THE LEFT SOCK! YOUR PAIRS WILL NEVER MATCH! You can guard your laundry, You can lock your dryer tight— You can count them twice, then count again, And hold them in your sight— But when the drum goes silent, And the room is dark and still… You'll swear you heard a tiny laugh… No—wait. You'll hear me breathing. Behind the washer. Inside the wall. Under your bed. AND THEN YOU'LL HEAR THE— [The dryer suddenly starts tumbling again.] LEFT! SOCK! LEFT! SOCK! LEFT! SOCK! LEFT! SOCK! [The tumbling accelerates; the machine rattles violently.] LEFT! SOCK! LEFT! SOCK! LEFT! SOCK! LEFT! SOCK! [The tumbling slows to a stop. One final thump. Silence.] [Rapid, manic whisper, very close] Left… left… left… left… Left in the basket… Left in the drawer… Left on your foot… [Final scream] LEFT SOCKS FOREVER! [Maniacal laughter fading into the dryer hum] Heh… heh… heh… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [Click. The dryer stops.] [A long pause. The door creaks open.] …Got one. [Beat.] The right one. [Tiny, horrified whisper from the darkness] …No.
