[VERSE 1] [ARTHUR] My life is a ledger, my socks are all paired My pantry is labeled, my risks are declared It's tidy, it's structured, it's perfectly planned Every variable's measured and under my hand But love is a mess, it’s a chemical spill It’s a bug in the code, it’s an uphill... hill It’s not logical, practical, charted, or sane It’s a hurricane centered inside of my brain! I've failed at the bars, I've failed at the class The analog method is just... a morass The small talk, the chaos, the emotional cost I'm empirically, logically, totally lost! [CHORUS] [ARTHUR] Oh, the data is dreadful, the stats are a fright The margin of error is never quite right You "follow your heart" and you "take a big chance" And you end up in tears at a high school dance! But I’ve found a solution, a digital cure A technological promise, 100% pure No more "mystery," "passion," or "faltering stars" No more crying in closets or keying of cars! Just math! Just the facts! Just a server that knows! The "Algorithm of Love" finds the cons and the pros! It’s here, on my screen, it's the ultimate tool It turns the heart's gamble from "crazy" to "cool"! [BRIDGE] [ARTHUR] So now I am filling the "Soulmate Systems" form It's the pinnacle, friends, it's the new dating norm! "What's your favorite shade?" ('Pantone 422, a reliable gray') "Spontaneous trips?" ('Requires three weeks, come what may') "How do you feel about gluten, and dairy, and soy?" "Do you find that loud music brings minimal joy?" (Yes! Yes, I do! Oh, this thing really sees!) "Do you hang toilet paper in 'over' or 'under'?" (It's 'over,' of course! To do 'under's a blunder!) This is science! This works! I am signing the waiver, I'm paying the fee For a love that is guaranteed... Guaranteed! [FINAL VERSE] [ARTHUR] My profile is built, my picture is up I'm wearing a tie, from the chin to the top The system is loading, a little blue wheel Is processing just how my perfect match feels No "spark," no "strange magic," no "butterflies" (ew) Just a solid projection that's vetted and true It’s loading... It’s loading... It's slow... Oh, come on, dear system, I'm ready to go! (A 'ping') ...It’s done! It's a match! It's a 100 percent! She's the one! She's the one! She's the one who's been sent! Her name is... "Chloe"... She likes... "Chaos"... and "Paint"? Oh... Oh, that can't be right. Wait. ...That can't be right.
