Do Try the Waiter by FLOYDIAN

Hyacinth Pugh, who's been widowed since '83,
Says, "Anton, my pet, it's a phase, don't you see?"
She blushes from scalp to cravat,
And Doris mutters, "He's after your flat…"

You're all dreaming of a lad who can actually screw—
Oh, stop it—I know you want it too.

And Andy, kvetching with us, says,  he doesn't see the charm."
But Andy' has three frat bros and a busboy on his arm.
He says it's the principle. He says it's the tone.
He books the Pines house (by the harbor) on his own.....

You say it's disgusting. You say it's a crime.
You say that my lover is past his bedtime.
You call me a scandal, a shameless display,
But I've seen your eyes follow the waiter's sashay.

You're not fooling me, darling. I'm on to you.
Oh, stop it! I know you want it... too.

And every arch remark you make, each disapproving sniff
Tells me your husband's vigor's gone—and so's his stiff.
Mabel's husband hasn't touched her since the Falklands War,
And she's been eyeing up the butcher boy who works the corner store.
(She likes his cute bum.)

And Eleanor, who calls me a disgrace
Has a drawer full of toys she's never had the nerve to place...
inside.... She lectures the Committee on what ladies may enjoy
But I've seen the way she flirts with that yummy teen pool boy.....

So don't tell me I'm vulgar. Don't tell me I'm mad.
You're just furious I've found what you wish you'd had.

The thrill of a boy who still thinks with his cock,
Who doesn't need wine and doesn't need talk,
Who'll come three times before you've finished your first,
And look at you like you're the last man (or a woman) on earth.

You want to be wanted by someone who's young,
By someone who's barely begun to have fun,
By someone who'll treat you like you're the main course
And then have you again with a little more force.

And you're thinking of things that a lady shouldn't do—
Oh, stop it, I know you want it... too.

You want to be tied to the bed by a scout
Who knows all his knots and has no doubt
You want to be taken from behind by a man
 Who could pass for your grandson. And does. 
[stop] A-ha..  That’s your plan?.... clever...!

Now, who's for another round, maybe?
And… do try the waiter. 
I've been there. He's delicious, ladies....

So save your "disgracefuls," my dears, they simply won't do.
Oh, stop it. I know you've had ... him.... too.....

2689/7500

At the fortnightly lunch of the Virtue and Vice Committee Where the crab is always fresh and the gossip always witty They dissect my recent conduct with a relish that's a pity— For they'd kill for half the fun that I've been having in the city. While the ladies, thin as wicks, burn with the news of my new beau fix (who's seven years short of twenty-six…) Hyacinth Pugh, who's been widowed since '83, Says, "Anton, my pet, it's a phase, don't you see?" She blushes from scalp to cravat, And Doris mutters, "He's after your flat…" You're all dreaming of a lad who can actually screw— Oh, stop it—I know you want it too. And Andy, kvetching with us, says, he doesn't see the charm." But Andy' has three frat bros and a busboy on his arm. He says it's the principle. He says it's the tone. He books the Pines house (by the harbor) on his own..... You say it's disgusting. You say it's a crime. You say that my lover is past his bedtime. You call me a scandal, a shameless display, But I've seen your eyes follow the waiter's sashay. You're not fooling me, darling. I'm on to you. Oh, stop it! I know you want it... too. And every arch remark you make, each disapproving sniff Tells me your husband's vigor's gone—and so's his stiff. Mabel's husband hasn't touched her since the Falklands War, And she's been eyeing up the butcher boy who works the corner store. (She likes his cute bum.) And Eleanor, who calls me a disgrace Has a drawer full of toys she's never had the nerve to place... inside.... She lectures the Committee on what ladies may enjoy But I've seen the way she flirts with that yummy teen pool boy..... So don't tell me I'm vulgar. Don't tell me I'm mad. You're just furious I've found what you wish you'd had. The thrill of a boy who still thinks with his cock, Who doesn't need wine and doesn't need talk, Who'll come three times before you've finished your first, And look at you like you're the last man (or a woman) on earth. You want to be wanted by someone who's young, By someone who's barely begun to have fun, By someone who'll treat you like you're the main course And then have you again with a little more force. And you're thinking of things that a lady shouldn't do— Oh, stop it, I know you want it... too. You want to be tied to the bed by a scout Who knows all his knots and has no doubt You want to be taken from behind by a man Who could pass for your grandson. And does. [stop] A-ha.. That’s your plan?.... clever...! Now, who's for another round, maybe? And… do try the waiter. I've been there. He's delicious, ladies.... So save your "disgracefuls," my dears, they simply won't do. Oh, stop it. I know you've had ... him.... too.....

0/500

Do Try the Waiter

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