[Intro] Gary: I heard there's a man out there Who eats his meat raw. No seasoning. No fire. No patience. ... Finster. We're gonna fix that. [Verse 1] Walked into the kitchen at a quarter after nine Saw a plate of raw meat sitting underneath the light No pan, no grill, no smoke, nothing on the side Gary stared at that plate like his soul had just died He picked it up and looked at it Then put it back down Looked at it again Then slowly looked around “Who taught you this?” Gary muttered to himself “This isn't cooking This is something else” You got the appetite You got the nerve But you're missing the one thing That your dinner deserves A little fire A little smoke A little time A little care Gary walked across the kitchen Like a chef declaring war [Pre-Chorus] You can grill it You can roast it You can smoke it all night You can fry it You can bake it You can get the texture right You can sear it You can braise it You can put it to the flame Gary looked at that raw plate “WHO TAUGHT YOU THIS GAME?!” [Chorus] “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EATING THAT MEAT RAW?!” “WHO TAUGHT YOU TO COOK?!” “YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK AT ALL!” Gary just stood there staring like he couldn't believe his eyes Finster called it dinner while it sat there cold and dry “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EATING THAT MEAT RAW?!” “WHO TAUGHT YOU TO COOK?!” “YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK AT ALL!” Gary grabbed the skillet like a man possessed “If you're gonna eat like that, at least learn to do it best!” [Verse 2] “First you've got the grill Then you've got the smoke Then you've got the oven Then you've got the stove You've got the skillet You've got the flame You've got a hundred ways To change the game” Gary started pacing Like a man about to snap “Finster, this is culinary How can you not know that?” He grabbed the tongs He grabbed the pan He started making plans “This isn't complicated You just need to understand!” Grill it! Roast it! Smoke it! Bake! Gary's getting louder With every move he makes Fry it! Sear it! Braise it! Heat! “HOW DID YOU SURVIVE THIS LONG EATING EVERYTHING RAW?!” [Pre-Chorus] You can grill it You can roast it You can smoke it all night You can fry it You can bake it You can get the texture right You can sear it You can braise it You can put it to the flame Gary looked into the camera “This man needs to be retrained.” [Chorus] “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EATING THAT MEAT RAW?!” “WHO TAUGHT YOU TO COOK?!” “YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK AT ALL!” Gary started yelling while he pointed at the stove “YOU DON'T JUST THROW IT ON A PLATE AND CALL IT A SHOW!” “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EATING THAT MEAT RAW?!” “WHO TAUGHT YOU TO COOK?!” “YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK AT ALL!” Gary kicked the oven open and started laughing loud “WELCOME TO THE KITCHEN! NOW MAKE ME PROUD!” [Bridge] Gary: GRILL! SMOKE! ROAST! FRY! BAKE! SEAR! BRAISE! HEAT! YOU HAVE OPTIONS! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! You have an entire kitchen! And you chose... RAW?! [Final Chorus] “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EATING THAT MEAT RAW?!” “WHO TAUGHT YOU TO COOK?!” “YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK AT ALL!” Gary's got the whole damn kitchen screaming from the walls Finster brought the appetite Gary brought the protocols “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EATING THAT MEAT RAW?!” “WHO TAUGHT YOU TO COOK?!” “YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK AT ALL!” Gary raised the skillet like he'd finally seen the light “YOU'VE BEEN EATING WRONG YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!” [Outro] Gary: Finster... Tomorrow... We're doing seasoning With Nymph-E [Pause] And we're gonna have a serious conversation about presentation. She's the best around when it comes to that. [Kitchen door slams]
