[Intro – Low Bass Pulse, Industrial Hum] [Female Voice, Cold] Nobody has a job anymore They have a mission A vision A personal brand [Verse 1 – Low Theatrical Voice] He’s a Global Thought Disruptor She’s the Chief of What Comes Next He architects transformation She puts purpose into decks There’s a Culture Change Evangelist A Growth Ninja dressed in black A Visionary Innovation Leader Who has never built a thing that lasts Nobody manages projects They empower and inspire They leverage human-centered futures From one meeting to the next I used to solve actual problems Now that title sounds too small So I lead, disrupt and strategize— While doing nothing at all [Pre-Chorus – Rising] Rewrite the headline Polish the lie Make me sound important To the artificial eye Add another keyword Manufacture a confession I came here looking for employment— [Chorus – Explosive] Like! Celebrate! Congratulate! Tell the world you’re doing great Smile beneath the green confession Welcome to LinkedIn depression Humbled! Thrilled! Beyond excited! Everybody’s self-invited I came looking for a profession I found LinkedIn depression [Verse 2 – Sarcastic] “I’m humbled to announce” That I am better than before “I’m thrilled to share my journey” Through another open door “I’m honored and delighted” To accept what I pursued Here’s a photograph of me pretending This announcement isn’t staged for you A thirty-minute online course Has changed the way he leads Nine hundred people celebrate The certificate nobody reads A CEO wakes at four-eleven Takes an ice bath with his team Then fires eight hundred people And posts about protecting dreams [Corporate Voice] Every ending is a new beginning [Female Lead, Low Growl] Not when you lose your health insurance [Pre-Chorus – Sharper] Scroll a little lower Compare another life Everyone is winning Everyone is optimized Everyone is grateful Everyone has learned a lesson Everybody’s beautifully successful— Welcome to my depression [Chorus – Heavier] Like! Celebrate! Congratulate! Tell the world you’re doing great Smile beneath the green confession Welcome to LinkedIn depression Humbled! Thrilled! Beyond excited! Painfully and publicly delighted I came looking for a profession I found LinkedIn depression [Break – Notification Sounds] [Spoken, Hesitant] Maybe I should turn on “Open to Work” [Digital Confirmation] [Breakdown – Ritual Bass Pulse] I placed the green ring Around my face A little halo A little target A public cry for grace Work never found me But everyone who sells the promise Somehow found my name [Overlapping Whispers] Résumé service... Career coaching... Personal branding... Premium subscription... Commission only... Unpaid opportunity... Build your own business... Are you willing to relocate? Are you willing to relocate? [Verse 3 – Snarled] A recruiter says my background Is the best that she has seen For industrial ventilation In a town in Tennessee A coach can beat the algorithm For three payments and a fee A founder has an opportunity— Where the only product is me A talent partner loves my profile But won’t reveal the client’s name A stranger wants my résumé My birth date and the right to claim “Your experience is impressive But your headline needs more soul” So I asked artificial intelligence To make me sound more human For the artificial hole [Ritual Chant – Layered Voices] Authentic Strategic Dynamic Empathetic Agile Passionate Data-driven Energetic Visionary Collaborative Purpose-led Progressive Scalable Adaptable Disruptive Depressive [Industrial Crescendo] [Lead Vocal – Full Rage] I don’t want to be a brand! I don’t want to build engagement! I don’t want to share a journey With an audience of strangers! I don’t feel humbled! I am not thrilled! I don’t have five life lessons From the day that I was killed! I want a job! A salary! A desk! A little human interaction! Not another smiling sermon About the power of rejection! [Final Chorus – Emotional Exorcism] LIKE! CELEBRATE! CONGRATULATE! Keep performing! Stay engaged! Smile beneath the green confession Choke upon LinkedIn depression HUMBLED! THRILLED! BEYOND EXCITED! EVERYBODY’S DEAD INSIDE IT! I came looking for a profession I found— [Guttural Scream] LINKEDIN DEPRESSION! [Music Cuts] [Cheerful Digital Voice] Congratulations Someone viewed your profile [Exhausted Whisper] Who? [Digital Voice] Upgrade to Premium To find out [One Final Notification]
