The Absolutely True History of Chesty Puller... Or So I've Been Told

[Intro — low drums, narrator dead serious] Gather round, Marines, and listen. Every word I say is true. Mostly. [Verse 1] Young Chesty shipped himself to Haiti, Learned his trade and learned it well, Then Nicaragua called his name, And twice he gave the bandits hell. Two Navy Crosses on his chest, Then Horse Marines in old Peking, Before the whole damn world caught fire— AND THAT'S WHERE WE BEGIN. [Chorus] CHESTY PULLER! Sound his name! Five Navy Crosses earned in flame! From jungle mud to frozen ground, When Chesty came, Marines stood proud! CHESTY PULLER! Spread the word! Every bit of this occurred— AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING HEARD! [Verse 2] Guadal canal, Henderson Field, His thin line held throughout the night, Third Navy Cross for holding ground And keeping Marines in the fight. Cape Gloucester brought him number four, Peleliu came and went, Then Korea froze the First Marines— AND CHESTY FUCKING WENT. At Chosin, outnumbered in the cold, He kept his regiment supplied, Moved among his fighting holes— NUMBER FIVE. CERTIFIED. [Chorus] CHESTY PULLER! Sound his name! Five Navy Crosses earned in flame! Fourteen combat decorations too— AND SO FAR, ALL THIS SHIT IS TRUE! [Verse 3] Now records get a little fuzzy 'Round nineteen fifty-one or two, They say his forty-five once jammed— SO CHESTY THREW THE BULLET THROUGH. A tank rolled up and blocked his road, He punched it once across the track, The crew climbed out, saluted him— THEY KNEW BETTER THAN TO DRIVE IT BACK. He yelled a command without a radio, Headquarters heard him miles away. Is that documented? GUNNY SAYS IT IS. OKAY. [Verse 4] By nineteen sixty Chesty noticed Something strange up in the sky, Flying saucers crossed Virginia— CHESTY ASKED 'EM ALL WHY. They fired lasers toward the Earth, He caught one in his fucking hand, Sent it back and dropped the mothership— THEN MADE THE SURVIVORS POLICE THE LAND. Mars surrendered Tuesday morning, Jupiter fell by half past three, Chesty conquered Saturn Thursday— FRIDAY WAS FOR P.T. [Breakdown — enormous drums] FIVE NAVY CROSSES! TRUE! CHOSIN RESERVOIR! TRUE! GUADAL CANAL! TRUE! PUNCHED A TANK! ...PROBABLY! CONQUERED MARS! GUNNY SAID SO! SAVED THE FUCKING GALAXY?! SEMPER FYE! LET'S GO! [Verse 5 — full space-opera insanity] Then the bugs of Alpha Centauri Came pouring through a cosmic gate, Twenty billion alien soldiers— CHESTY SAID, “YOU FUCKERS WAIT.” No space suit and no oxygen, Just Eagle, Globe and Anchor pride, He rode a fucking meteor Straight through the other side. Killed their queen with one good knife hand, Made their emperor stand tall, Then recruited half their army— MARINES ON MARS NOW RULE THEM ALL. [Final Chorus] CHESTY PULLER! Sound his name! Earth and Heaven know his fame! From Nicaragua to the stars, From Chosin Reservoir to Mars! CHESTY PULLER! Galaxy saved! Alien hordes now properly shaved! Five Navy Crosses on his chest— AND SOME OTHER SHIT WE CAN'T CONFIRM YET! [Outro — music suddenly stops] Now some of you are probably wondering... How much of that was actually true? Haiti? True. Nicaragua? True. Horse Marines? True. Guadal canal. Cape Gloucester. Peleliu. Chosin. True. Five Navy Crosses? Absolutely fucking true. [Pause] The aliens? [Distant Marine] Gunny told me. [Pause] Good enough for me. [Massive final hit] GOODNIGHT, CHESTY, WHEREVER THE FUCK YOU ARE!