[SPOKEN MONOLOGUE INTRO — Rika] “Well well well… look at this frosty dump. The North Pole? Ugh. It’s like a glitterless nightmare. MOVE OVER, Crumbcake Mcjolly, Rika Von Evol is here to make Christmas fabulous… and mildly inconvenient.” [VERSE 1 — sung/villain pop] I slipped on the ice, did a full loop-dee-loop, Face-planted so hard I made a snowman troop. Santa waddled out like a jolly baked ham, So I shoved him aside “Out the way, you marshmellow Man!” Elves staring at me like terrified gnomes, “Work faster, minions! And fix your tiny homes!” I clapped my hands (and smacked myself too) “This workshop sucks time for a villainous view!” [SPOKEN MONOLOGUE 2 — Rika, annoyed] “Santa’s toys? Cute. Boring. Wholesome? BARF. We’re switching to gifts of inconvenience, babies! Left socks. Melty candy canes. And a gift card with THREE. SEVENTY. TWO. You’re welcome.” [CHORUS — sung, big cartoon villain anthem] I’m the Queen of the Cold! Delivering chaos ’til your stockings explode! Bend the knee to the glitter I hold Rika Von Evol just conquered the Pole! Ho, ho, NO! I’m running the show! Purple glitter storms wherever I go! The North Pole’s mine, just so you know Rika Von Evol runs the snow! [VERSE 2 — sung petty and fast] Reindeer pulled up like a snow-covered squad, Rudolph slipped on ice and ate dirt (Oh my god). I tossed them treats caffeine bombs galore They zoomed so fast they flew through Santa’s door. Mrs. Claus cried when I banned red and green, “Those colors clash harder than your skincare routine!” Santa tried to talk, but nope, too slow I shrank him down Funko-size, enjoy the snow! [SPOKEN MONOLOGUE 3 — Rika, smug] “Don’t worry Santa, sweetheart… That sleigh needed upgrades anyway. Jet engines. Glitter exhaust. And a horn that screams ‘MOVE, PEASANT!’ Try not to die. It’d really ruin my holiday.” [CHORUS — repeat, bigger] I’m the Queen of the Cold! Delivering chaos ’til your stockings explode! Bow to me or get coal tenfold Rika Von Evol rewrites the code! Ho, ho, NO! I’m running the show! Purple glitter storms wherever I go! The North Pole’s mine, just so you know Rika Von Evol owns the snow! [BRIDGE — sung, dramatic villain power moment] Candy canes melting, snowglobes break, Elves getting flung by the mess I make. Toys misfire, the reindeer scream It’s Christmas chaos, living the dream! VERSE 3 — sung petty] The candy room blew up when I “fixed” the lights, Sent an elf flying past me like, “Enjoy the heights!” Rudolph tried charging with his nose on stun, Tripped on a ribbon down he went, done. I hijacked the wishlist, rewrote every line, “Everyone gets chaos courtesy of mine.” Then I crowned myself queen on Santa’s own throne, Kicked my feet up proudly: “This Pole’s my zone!” [SPOKEN MONOLOGUE OUTRO — Rika] “Ahhh… the North Pole. Mine. Santa’s crying in the corner, the elves are traumatized, and everything is PURPLE now. Honestly? Best Christmas ever.”
