ASSHOLE WITH ADMIN PRIVILEGES

Patchnote Prophet

industrial prankcore, glitch-metal, reality-hacking prog

CUSTOM

[INTRO - A RESPONSIBLE SERMON]

[Low mechanical hum, distant corrupted organ]
[Single metallic guzheng pluck]

[PROPHET - solemn, preacher-like]

Good evening.

Welcome to tonight's sermon
on humility,
personal growth,

and the responsible use
of reality-altering abilities.

[Brief pause]

Unfortunately...

I haven't prepared
any of those things.

[Metallic guzheng pluck]

So instead,
we're going to find out
what happens

when I get bored.

[Glitch stutter]

Oh.

Your floor's gone.

[PROPHET - amused]

That's unfortunate.

[Sudden industrial breakbeat]
[Glitch-tar snarls into main riff]

[VERSE I - MINOR ADJUSTMENTS]

[Fast dirty breakbeat, downtuned guitar]
[PROPHET - rhythmic, swaggering]

I moved your doorway
three inches left.

You walked straight into it.

I'm impressed.

Changed your coffee
to yesterday's tea.

Don't look at me.
That's chemistry.

Your chair's now taller.
Your desk is small.

Your shadow's arguing
with the wall.

You wanted normal?
You wanted safe?

[PROPHET - grinning]

Wrong bloody universe,
wrong bloody place.

[Glitch-tar accents]

I put your keys
inside a Tare.

They'll be back
in a minute.

Probably.

[Brief reversed beat]

Your calendar says
it's next Thursday.

Your clock disagrees.

And your reflection
just asked me
for a restraining order.

[PROPHET - laughing]

Oh, this is going beautifully!

[CHORUS I - ADMIN PRIVILEGES]

[Explosive glitch-metal hook]
[Heavy guitars, distorted Glitch-tar, industrial drums]
[PROPHET - aggressive melodic shout]

I'M AN ASSHOLE
WITH ADMIN PRIVILEGES!

I FOUND THE SETTINGS
FOR YOUR PHYSICAL EXISTENCE!

YOU WANTED NORMAL?

WRONG DIMENSION!

WELCOME TO
UNAUTHORIZED INTERVENTION!

[Halftime slam]

CALL ME A BASTARD!
CALL ME A GLITCH!

I MOVED YOUR WHOLE DAMN WORLD
ABOUT AN INCH!

[PROPHET - spoken, smug]

You're welcome.

[FALSE SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT I]

[Music abruptly ducks; corrupted mechanical tone]
[PROPHET - flat synthetic imitation]

Attention.

Your reality
has been selected
for testing.

Please remain calm
while the universe
is resetting.

Do not touch the walls.

Do not trust the floor.

And whatever you do...

[Brief silence]

Don't open that door.

[Door creaks]

[PROPHET - delighted]

Oh, you opened it!

[VERSE II - THE WRONG DIMENSION]

[Breakbeat accelerates in perceived double-time]
[Metallic guzheng and Glitch-tar trade short stabs]
[PROPHET - fast, mocking]

You stepped through a doorway
and came back through the roof.

I told you it was safe.

I didn't say it was proof.

North went sideways.
East took a break.

Your staircase now leads
to a suspiciously large cake.

[Brief guzheng flourish]

You screamed at the ceiling.
It screamed back twice.

Now your living room
has its own advice.

[PROPHET - conversational]

Don't look behind you.

Seriously.

Don't.

[Two-beat pause]

You looked, didn't you?

[PROPHET - cackling]

I didn't even
put anything there!

[Hard glitch cut]

That's the best part!

[Fast rhythmic delivery]

Your phone just rang
from a century ago.

Your future self answered
and said, "Don't let him know."

Too late, sweetheart.
I'm already here.

And your refrigerator
has developed a career.

[Glitch-tar bends out of tune]

As a philosopher.

A terrible one.

[PROPHET - dry]

Still better than most politicians.

[BREAKDOWN - YOU'RE GETTING COMFORTABLE]

[Full band drops to one mechanical tick]
[PROPHET - conspiratorial]

All right.

Big breakdown coming.

Ready?

Three...

Two...

One...

[Complete silence]

[PROPHET - laughing]

Oh, come on!

You actually waited?

[One pathetic metallic guzheng pluck]

And now,
the legendary Glitch-tar solo!

[One deliberately awful guitar squeak]

[PROPHET - deadpan]

Budget cuts.

[Beat suddenly returns in 7/8]

Oh, you were
getting comfortable.

Can't have that.

[Glitch-metal riff violently re-enters]

[VERSE III - COSMIC NUISANCE]

[Crushing industrial-metal groove]
[PROPHET - gleefully aggressive]

Gravity's optional.
Your shoes disagree.

Your shadow just applauded
three seconds before me.

The walls are breathing.
The windows have teeth.

There's a little pocket universe
underneath your seat.

[Glitch-tar and guzheng clash]

Don't panic!

It's temporary!

Mostly!

[PROPHET - snarling with amusement]

I made your hallway
a Möbius strip.

Now every time you leave,
you arrive at this bit.

[Brief repeated audio glitch]

This bit.
This bit.
This -

[PROPHET - irritated]

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Even I'm getting sick of that.

[Rhythm fractures]

Your reflection
has started a union.

Your furniture
wants a reunion.

The floor is back.

The ceiling's gone.

And somehow
your pants are inside out.

[PROPHET - thoughtful]

Actually...

I didn't do that one.

[Brief silence]

Huh.

[BRIDGE - THE ETHICAL ASSHOLE]

[Music slows into heavy halftime]
[Low sub-bass, metallic percussion]
[PROPHET - reflective, sarcastic]

You know...

I've been called
a menace.

A heretic.

An existential hazard.

A walking violation
of several laws of physics.

And now you're calling me...

an asshole?

[Pause]

Huh.

[PROPHET - sincerely considering]

That's probably
the most accurate one.

[Low Glitch-tar growl]

But relax.

I didn't re-write your mind.

That's unethical.

[Metallic guzheng pluck]

I re-wrote your furniture.

Completely different department.

[PROPHET - dryly]

You still get to say no.

You still get to leave.

You still get to tell me
to fuck right off.

[Brief pause]

And I'll listen.

[PROPHET - mischievous]

Eventually.

[Heavy drum pulse]

I break the rules.
I don't steal the will.

There's a difference.

[PROPHET - grinning]

It's an important one.

[Glitch-tar rises]

Now...

Who wants their gravity back?

[FALSE SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT II]

[Corrupted synthetic tone]
[PROPHET - artificial announcement voice]

Attention.

All unauthorized Edits
are being reversed.

Please remain calm.

Any remaining anomalies
are purely cosmetic.

[Pause]

Except the goose.

[Distorted distant honk]

[PROPHET - quietly]

Don't make eye contact.

[FINAL CHORUS - UNAUTHORIZED INTERVENTION]

[Full industrial glitch-metal assault]
[Heavy breakbeats, downtuned guitars, metallic guzheng]
[PROPHET - explosive, triumphant, obnoxious]

I'M AN ASSHOLE
WITH ADMIN PRIVILEGES!

I FOUND THE SETTINGS
FOR YOUR PHYSICAL EXISTENCE!

YOU WANTED NORMAL?

WRONG DIMENSION!

WELCOME TO
UNAUTHORIZED INTERVENTION!

[Glitch fracture]

I'M NOT SORRY!
THAT WAS A FEATURE!

YOUR PERFECT LITTLE WORLD
NEEDED SOMETHING WEIRDER!

CALL ME A BASTARD!
CALL ME A GLITCH!

I MOVED YOUR WHOLE DAMN WORLD
ABOUT AN INCH!

[Full-band slam]

[PROPHET - shouted]

PATCH COMPLETE!

[OUTRO - ONE LAST PATCH]

[Music drops to a loose, corrupted bass pulse]
[PROPHET - relaxed, conversational]

Right.

Everything's back.

Gravity works.

Doors go where they should.

Nobody's permanently damaged.

[Brief pause]

Well...

Your dignity
might need a re-boot.

*Soft laugh*

But that's not
under warranty.

[Mechanical confirmation tone]

[PROPHET - almost sincere]

Seriously, though.

Thanks for playing along.

[Pause]

Oh.

One more thing.

[Music stops]

You know that little voice
in your head
that tells you
not to push the button?

[Longer pause]

Yeah.

Mine's on vacation.

[Single metallic guzheng pluck]

[PROPHET - wickedly amused]

Patch complete.

[Hard glitch cut]

[END]

7264/7500

[INTRO - A RESPONSIBLE SERMON] [Low mechanical hum, distant corrupted organ] [Single metallic guzheng pluck] [PROPHET - solemn, preacher-like] Good evening. Welcome to tonight's sermon on humility, personal growth, and the responsible use of reality-altering abilities. [Brief pause] Unfortunately... I haven't prepared any of those things. [Metallic guzheng pluck] So instead, we're going to find out what happens when I get bored. [Glitch stutter] Oh. Your floor's gone. [PROPHET - amused] That's unfortunate. [Sudden industrial breakbeat] [Glitch-tar snarls into main riff] [VERSE I - MINOR ADJUSTMENTS] [Fast dirty breakbeat, downtuned guitar] [PROPHET - rhythmic, swaggering] I moved your doorway three inches left. You walked straight into it. I'm impressed. Changed your coffee to yesterday's tea. Don't look at me. That's chemistry. Your chair's now taller. Your desk is small. Your shadow's arguing with the wall. You wanted normal? You wanted safe? [PROPHET - grinning] Wrong bloody universe, wrong bloody place. [Glitch-tar accents] I put your keys inside a Tare. They'll be back in a minute. Probably. [Brief reversed beat] Your calendar says it's next Thursday. Your clock disagrees. And your reflection just asked me for a restraining order. [PROPHET - laughing] Oh, this is going beautifully! [CHORUS I - ADMIN PRIVILEGES] [Explosive glitch-metal hook] [Heavy guitars, distorted Glitch-tar, industrial drums] [PROPHET - aggressive melodic shout] I'M AN ASSHOLE WITH ADMIN PRIVILEGES! I FOUND THE SETTINGS FOR YOUR PHYSICAL EXISTENCE! YOU WANTED NORMAL? WRONG DIMENSION! WELCOME TO UNAUTHORIZED INTERVENTION! [Halftime slam] CALL ME A BASTARD! CALL ME A GLITCH! I MOVED YOUR WHOLE DAMN WORLD ABOUT AN INCH! [PROPHET - spoken, smug] You're welcome. [FALSE SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT I] [Music abruptly ducks; corrupted mechanical tone] [PROPHET - flat synthetic imitation] Attention. Your reality has been selected for testing. Please remain calm while the universe is resetting. Do not touch the walls. Do not trust the floor. And whatever you do... [Brief silence] Don't open that door. [Door creaks] [PROPHET - delighted] Oh, you opened it! [VERSE II - THE WRONG DIMENSION] [Breakbeat accelerates in perceived double-time] [Metallic guzheng and Glitch-tar trade short stabs] [PROPHET - fast, mocking] You stepped through a doorway and came back through the roof. I told you it was safe. I didn't say it was proof. North went sideways. East took a break. Your staircase now leads to a suspiciously large cake. [Brief guzheng flourish] You screamed at the ceiling. It screamed back twice. Now your living room has its own advice. [PROPHET - conversational] Don't look behind you. Seriously. Don't. [Two-beat pause] You looked, didn't you? [PROPHET - cackling] I didn't even put anything there! [Hard glitch cut] That's the best part! [Fast rhythmic delivery] Your phone just rang from a century ago. Your future self answered and said, "Don't let him know." Too late, sweetheart. I'm already here. And your refrigerator has developed a career. [Glitch-tar bends out of tune] As a philosopher. A terrible one. [PROPHET - dry] Still better than most politicians. [BREAKDOWN - YOU'RE GETTING COMFORTABLE] [Full band drops to one mechanical tick] [PROPHET - conspiratorial] All right. Big breakdown coming. Ready? Three... Two... One... [Complete silence] [PROPHET - laughing] Oh, come on! You actually waited? [One pathetic metallic guzheng pluck] And now, the legendary Glitch-tar solo! [One deliberately awful guitar squeak] [PROPHET - deadpan] Budget cuts. [Beat suddenly returns in 7/8] Oh, you were getting comfortable. Can't have that. [Glitch-metal riff violently re-enters] [VERSE III - COSMIC NUISANCE] [Crushing industrial-metal groove] [PROPHET - gleefully aggressive] Gravity's optional. Your shoes disagree. Your shadow just applauded three seconds before me. The walls are breathing. The windows have teeth. There's a little pocket universe underneath your seat. [Glitch-tar and guzheng clash] Don't panic! It's temporary! Mostly! [PROPHET - snarling with amusement] I made your hallway a Möbius strip. Now every time you leave, you arrive at this bit. [Brief repeated audio glitch] This bit. This bit. This - [PROPHET - irritated] Oh, for fuck's sake. Even I'm getting sick of that. [Rhythm fractures] Your reflection has started a union. Your furniture wants a reunion. The floor is back. The ceiling's gone. And somehow your pants are inside out. [PROPHET - thoughtful] Actually... I didn't do that one. [Brief silence] Huh. [BRIDGE - THE ETHICAL ASSHOLE] [Music slows into heavy halftime] [Low sub-bass, metallic percussion] [PROPHET - reflective, sarcastic] You know... I've been called a menace. A heretic. An existential hazard. A walking violation of several laws of physics. And now you're calling me... an asshole? [Pause] Huh. [PROPHET - sincerely considering] That's probably the most accurate one. [Low Glitch-tar growl] But relax. I didn't re-write your mind. That's unethical. [Metallic guzheng pluck] I re-wrote your furniture. Completely different department. [PROPHET - dryly] You still get to say no. You still get to leave. You still get to tell me to fuck right off. [Brief pause] And I'll listen. [PROPHET - mischievous] Eventually. [Heavy drum pulse] I break the rules. I don't steal the will. There's a difference. [PROPHET - grinning] It's an important one. [Glitch-tar rises] Now... Who wants their gravity back? [FALSE SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT II] [Corrupted synthetic tone] [PROPHET - artificial announcement voice] Attention. All unauthorized Edits are being reversed. Please remain calm. Any remaining anomalies are purely cosmetic. [Pause] Except the goose. [Distorted distant honk] [PROPHET - quietly] Don't make eye contact. [FINAL CHORUS - UNAUTHORIZED INTERVENTION] [Full industrial glitch-metal assault] [Heavy breakbeats, downtuned guitars, metallic guzheng] [PROPHET - explosive, triumphant, obnoxious] I'M AN ASSHOLE WITH ADMIN PRIVILEGES! I FOUND THE SETTINGS FOR YOUR PHYSICAL EXISTENCE! YOU WANTED NORMAL? WRONG DIMENSION! WELCOME TO UNAUTHORIZED INTERVENTION! [Glitch fracture] I'M NOT SORRY! THAT WAS A FEATURE! YOUR PERFECT LITTLE WORLD NEEDED SOMETHING WEIRDER! CALL ME A BASTARD! CALL ME A GLITCH! I MOVED YOUR WHOLE DAMN WORLD ABOUT AN INCH! [Full-band slam] [PROPHET - shouted] PATCH COMPLETE! [OUTRO - ONE LAST PATCH] [Music drops to a loose, corrupted bass pulse] [PROPHET - relaxed, conversational] Right. Everything's back. Gravity works. Doors go where they should. Nobody's permanently damaged. [Brief pause] Well... Your dignity might need a re-boot. *Soft laugh* But that's not under warranty. [Mechanical confirmation tone] [PROPHET - almost sincere] Seriously, though. Thanks for playing along. [Pause] Oh. One more thing. [Music stops] You know that little voice in your head that tells you not to push the button? [Longer pause] Yeah. Mine's on vacation. [Single metallic guzheng pluck] [PROPHET - wickedly amused] Patch complete. [Hard glitch cut] [END]

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