I Bought a Haunted Castle

[Verse] I found it in a brochure For a price that seemed absurd, "Historic stone fortress, Needs a little work," I heard. It had towers, moats, and battlements, A ballroom and a view, The realtor failed to mention It came with seventy ghosts too. [Chorus] I bought a haunted castle, Now I'm living with the dead. There's a phantom in the pantry And a specter under the bed. The plumbing screams at midnight, The portraits criticize, I thought I bought real estate— I bought a supernatural surprise! [Verse] The dining hall is lovely, Though the chandeliers all sway, And every night a ghostly duke Demands his usual tray. I don't know what he likes to eat, He's been dead since 1403, But every time I serve him soup He throws it back at me. [Chorus] I bought a haunted castle, Now I'm living with the dead. There's a phantom in the pantry And a specter under the bed. The plumbing screams at midnight, The portraits criticize, I thought I bought real estate— I bought a supernatural surprise! [Verse] There's a banshee in the west wing Who practices all night, She says she's training for the annual Kingdom-wide Fright-Off Night. A headless knight keeps borrowing My lawn equipment shed, And every single Tuesday A dragon ghost wants fed. [Bridge] The taxes are outrageous, The roof is full of bats, The local exorcist retired And moved away from that. I called the previous owner, Said, "You left a thing or two." He said, "By 'thing or two,' Do you mean the cursed ballroom crew?" [Instrumental Break] [Verse] Well, after several months I've adjusted pretty well, The ghosts all pay attention When I ring the dinner bell. The phantom duke plays checkers, The banshee mows the lawn, The dragon haunts the fireplace And keeps the house warm. [Final Chorus] I bought a haunted castle, Now I'm living with the dead. There's still a phantom in the pantry And a specter under the bed. The plumbing screams at midnight, The portraits still complain, But honestly the neighbors Were considerably more strange. [Outro] So if you're shopping for a castle And the price seems way too low, You might want to ask the realtor A few more things before you go. Like why the attic whispers... Why the moat glows green... And why the previous owner Left town so suddenly.